If I Knew Then What I Know Now....

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1/11/2006

If I Knew Then What I Know Now....

I went on blog-about for a little while this evening. As I read my friend Jay's entry (One Day at a Time for those of you who do not know him), I was immediately drawn back to my own youth, and the sights and sounds of...just being. When infinity stretched out before me in perpetual motion and my future could be anything I wanted it to be, and unconsciously, even with all the heartache and dsyfunction of growing up in an alcoholic home, life was...perfect, and I would be young forever, and the home that I would make would be everything that I didn't have growing up....so.....flash forward to today.

Today, I sat in the Riverside Psychiatric Center as Michael underwent psychological assessment testing. I sat there and wondered, and stewed, and...imagined. Finally, as 2 1/2 hours, Michael came out and told me that the inkblot tests were really blood stains that looked like daggers, skulls, knives and the Mothman (!).

This child has cost us thousands of dollars. I have two children, no, young adults...who are incapable of taking care of themselves, and are still costing us a ton of money, money that we don't have. I resent that. A lot. It's frustrating, and something that I don't understand. No initiative, no longing for independence, no willingness to try to begin their own lives. Don't get me wrong, I love my children with every fiber of my being. I'm just ready for some independence, some "me" time, time to become reacquainted with my husband...so much for the perfect family, huh?

But, they are my family, for better or for worse, and I'm in it for the long haul, although I must admit that there are definitely times that my soul longs to run far, far away. So, if I knew then what I know now, would I do things the same way all over again? The question of the ages...I cannot imagine living life any other way.

Oh, by the way. Jay? This song's for you....

9:54 PM | View trackbacks (3) | Blog it | Life

Comments (18)

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	jackie yangwrote: I am a Chinese Man , You are very beautiful ,I Like You. July 8
	Ms. Jones wrote: April-- I miss you!! May 9
	Jay Crostonwrote: Been a long time Mom. Happy St. PAts wherever you are! Jay Mar. 16
	Michelle A. St. Ongewrote: Where did our friend "April" go??? Know that my thoughts & prayers are with you & your loved one's always. Blessings in Christ, Michelle St. Onge http://spaces.msn.com/members/MichelleStOnge Mar. 8
	No namewrote: Just seeing how you are doing MomApril, hope all is well. I updated my blog finally so you can see what I've been up to. Hope you are doing OK. Mar. 5
	Sarahwrote: I think every mom has had that same question at some time in their "Mommy" lives. Keep your thought positive and remember how much your love your family and things will work out. Happy Valentine's Day to you. Sarah Feb. 15
	Michelle A. St. Ongewrote: Hello April! How have you been? Just dropping in to let you know you are in my thoughts & prayers. Sincerely, Michelle A. St. Onge Feb. 14
	Burnt Popcornwrote: Hey April, just me ... I hope you are okay. It has been a long time, yes, you're right. Stopped by to tell you hello and let ya know you were on my mind tonite. Its midwinter festival time here so I am off to do some things tonite for the paper and the family both. Yehaw! hope to catch up with you sometime. Cindy Feb. 3
	Lisa Mwrote: Dear April, I have been here several times, and I was thinking I had commented, but I guess not. I hope you are well, and can come out and say hello again. You and your family are in my prayers. Love, to you. Lis~! http://plutsrants.blogspot.com (for some reason, MSN is on some kind of drug) Jan. 29
	Jay Crostonwrote: Hi "mom" just stopping in to say hi and send my well wishes to you! Jay :-) Jan. 28
	Michelle's Guest Bookwrote: Hi April! I have been traveling around the country. I apologize for being away for so long. Please let Larry know that I will be in touch with him very soon. I pray that all is well with you. God bless you & your loved ones, April. Blessings in Christ, Michelle St. Onge Jan. 28
	Paullaroche2 wrote: Hi April Hoping that your doing well my friend.Send me an email sometime if you feel like it Big hugs to you my friend Paul Jan. 26
	blatant_expo_andy wrote: Good day April. Thanks for commenting. And, it is in a way like nature's little joke that parents still have to care for grown-up children. But, as a parent it is kind of your role but I wish you the best in it. Hope all is well and things look up for you in future. You are not wrong in looking for some "me" time, not wrong at all. Children change everything sometimes, and maybe you could schedule some alone time with your husband around this, hmm? Be flexible. -Andy Jan. 13
	Paullaroche2 wrote: Hi April Gee that was a good post.I think it sums up what a lot of us parents feel sometimes. Big hugs to you my friend Paul Jan. 12
	OneTrueGoddess_1 wrote: deep breaths... just breathe and know that god is with you. as are people that care about you and pray for you and your family. i am one of them. Jan. 12
	CatchingNitro52 wrote: Hi April, There's nothing I could say that would even measure up to the comments already given you, so I'm just gonna say that I love you and your family and, I'm here most any time. My prayers are with you. May God bless you and yours, Larry Jan. 12
	Debbie wrote: Hello my new friend. I'm here for you MDF.. I wish I could give you a bug hug and talk to you.. I 've walked so, so many miles in your foot steps. Cody is home this week due to a set back @ his group home.. He will get to go back on Friday...He has been so good and kind to me this week. My address is mow1951@valuelinx.net Not a day goes by that I don't think of you sweetie. I have a few suggestions that you may want to think about.... My heart bleeds for Mike. He is such a handsome young man and your daughters are very beautiful. I honestly feel like I can help you and Mike. I'm so thankful that you have talked to Larry.. He is the most awesome pple I've ever known. When Cody was home, I got to the point that I couldn't pray sometimes. I knew that the Lord was with me, but I just kept repeating my same prayer. God heard me the first time. Anyway, I'm here for you sweetie,@ any given moment . I just feel so close to you.. However, if you had rather talk to Larry, He can and will do everything in his power to bring you and your family some serenity.. Take care Sweetie and May this New year be the best ever and the rest of the years be even better. Love, Sunshine and Happiness Debbie Jan. 11
	Jay-B-1961 wrote: Wow, cool song Mom...great lyrics. I appreciate that! I can't imagine what you are going through. Well, that's a lie. I can. Alcoholic home for sure. My brother was an addict. And it was draining. I know I am younger than my sister, but many years ago I had a talk with her about her 3 kids. She was stressed over how their lives were going...it was like the 3 bears, one hot, one cold, one got it right...I said something (as I always do) straight from the gut without really thinking about it. I told her that she had brought them up as much as she could, and at this point that they were late teens, it was time to let go and let them be themselves. They were going to make whatever decisions they were going to make and she could not be there forever. She still reminds me of this, said it was the best advice she got. Not sure if it worked for her only or if this was something universal. Heck, I wonder when it is time will I be able to let go of my girl...hard to say. I wish you well, April. Things will work out. Nothing is ever as bad as it seems. Jay :-) Jan. 11

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