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7/9/2007 The Death of a BelovedIt's been a VERY bad day. We had a death in our family today -- an unforeseen accident took the life of one of Elizabeth's Cockatiels, Pepper.
She came to us a year ago, given to us by a woman who didn't have time for her anymore. A hateful, loner bird who attacked everyone that came too close, except for Elizabeth. She loved her dearly, and Elizabeth could do just about anything to her. She was recently moved back up to Elizabeth's bedroom --she had been in the basement with the other birds that I was raising and breeders (which I got rid of yesterday, donated to a sanctuary, because I am no longer capable of taking care of all of them). So, happy as a lark, she was wandering around on the floor; Elizabeth didn't see her, and stepped on her, causing brain damage and internal bleeding, possibly a broken neck. She died about 5 minutes later.
And, Elizabeth is suffering a broken heart. And, I am helpless to make this all better....she was dearly loved by my youngest. And, as she cries, so do I. So, tomorrow, we will have a funeral. She wants to see if Pepper can be cremated, so that she can keep the ashes near her. I told her that we'd find a picture and have it framed. We told her that we'd get another bird, but Pepper was one of a kind....and therefore, irreplaceable. I told her that God loved us so much, that even though animals don't have souls, our pets have a special place in Heaven, where they wait for us patiently and lovingly to join them. I hope that I'm right. So, say a little prayer for my baby girl tonight, that God will bring her comfort, and love, and peace; that she not be overcome with guilt, accepting that it was an accident, and not "murder", as she sees it now...
I am so sorry, Little Bit. Would it that I could take your pain away, take it upon myself.... 7/8/2007 It's Always on His MindSigh. And Sigh again. Thinking about my son does that to me. Thinking back brings up waves of turmoil, and frustration and sadness and anger and....
April 3, 2007. 5:30 am. Phone call. "Mike is at the emergency room!"
Me: "What happened? Is he ok?" " He slit his wrist. He's lost a lot of blood." (He is 2 hours north of where we live).
"OK....We'll be there as soon as possible...." Mike slit his wrist all the way across his arm, and down to the bone. He has a horrible, ugly scar, complete with stitch marks now as a trophy. After he was dismissed from a 72 hour hold, he was scheduled to see a psychiatrist. On the first visit, he was diagnosed with Paranoid Scizophrenia.
So, some questions have been answered about his behavior and all of the turmoil over the last 5 or 6 years. The aha moment, at last. He hears voices, has invisible friends, sees spiders crawling everywhere. A little boy named Max, and I heard about his new friend, "Jeff" today. Although he's spoken of seeing him in the past, this is the first time he's supposedly carried on a conversation with him. "Jeff" is tall and skinny with black hair that is long and falls in his face, and looks like the guy off of Blues Clues. "So, what did you and Jeff talk about?" I ask my son... "About telling you guys that I see him, and that I talked to him..." Why now? Why today? "Because I want to cut myself and I've been thinking a lot about suicide....I think about killing myself all of the time." We speak of the Russell Crowe movie, A Beautiful Mind. I remind him of how Russell Crowe's character deals with his illness, his hallucinations, his delusions. "It doesn't work," he says simply. I'm afraid to leave him alone. I try to prepare myself for the inevitable, but don't succeed, and if we do leave him here by himself, and I try to call -- if he doesn't answer the phone, I'm filled with unreasonable panic and dread. I sleep very little, and oftentimes go see if he's still breathing. He spent 24 days in the psych ward. They had him so doped up, he was a blithering idiot. He was so over medicated that another patient gave him 50mg of Methodone, and he took it because he thought she was a nurse. He ended up in a full blown overdose, and went into cardiac arrest, and had to be resucitated. Another phone call, another mad trip to the emergency room....another day in my life. I called the doctor and raised, well, you know. So, they changed his medicine again, and for all intents and purposes it seemed to be working. His voice took on some emotion, he even laughs now and then. Until today. Today is the revelation that "it's not working." Today is the revelation that, "I have no reason to live. I don't want to live like....THIS for the remainder of my life, 'cuz THIS isn't living at all." And so it goes....because now, I as a mother think of things most mothers never dream of. "If he dies, where will we bury him? We've moved so much. Who would perform the funeral service? Would anyone come, because we've moved so much, we have very few friends. What would we do? What WILL we do?" So, I do what I always do. I cry, I pray....I set my shoulders and try to be brave. Again. Welcome to my world. 7/3/2007 Happy Birthday,AmericaHow much do you love your country? How much do you love being an American? How many of you even stop and think about it? I do. A lot. I look at our flag, and I get goose bumps. So much history, passion, resolve and love went into the founding, the fighting, and the decisions that formed this country, and ultimately, who we are. I am an AMERICAN!!! And, I am in awe that God would allow me to live in this time, in this place...now. Who am I to deserve so much? Who am I to live here, instead of somewhere else in the world? I have 4 brother-in-laws that fought and served in the Vietnam War. My younger brother served in The Gulf War, Operation Desert Storm. My uncle served in Korea,as did a very dear friend. I am proud to know them, to be a part of their lives, and especially, for what they did, for what they've gone through, and for who they are because of serving their country. I am apalled that anyone would critize the current war, or our soldiers; to do so is to offend those who keep us safe. I believe in this country. To all of those who are critical of its' government and its' citizens...go live somewhere else if you're unhappy here. More than likely, it won't be long 'til you're homesick. So....it is with great pride and honor that I say, "Happy Birthday, America!" God Bless the USA. 6/28/2007 A Lifetime Lived in One Short YearI must apologize to all of my dear friends. Over a year has slipped away, and I have not appeared. Sometimes, living life is so personal that it cannot be shared, or so painful that to speak it will cause one's heart to burst. Such was the place that I found myself in.
Experiences that fill your heart so full, yet selfishly, the need to hold onto them is so very great....and through it all, God has been faithful, even when I haven't always been so faithful to Him. And in that year, I have been brought up from the abyss of despair, have experienced the giddiness of His joy, and known the comfort of His love. Sometimes, my throat closes up with the emotions spilling over....and it is all good, and I am blessed among women, because of the love of my Lord.
Some of the things that I can share are: I completed my Master's (applause!) We moved to the Southern part of Wisconsin, where we are both employed by GE Healthcare Systems now (wonderful company, awesome job) --Having money is Soooooooooooooooooooo NICE
 . Ashley has met a wonderful young man; they've been together for a year now --and, she's living on her own, still in the Appleton area. (See pics.) Michael has finally been properly diagnose, unfortunately, with Paranoid Schizophrenia. But, it explains a lot, and now we have a solid direction to head in, and goals to work towards. Elizabeth is continuing to mature into a beautiful young woman, and has dealt with what "life" has thrown our way with grace and dignity. And, for the first time in a great while, I have hope.Thank you all for your patience with me. I hope to hear from all of you soon, as each and every one of you is special and important to me. With all my heart,
Mom April
1/11/2006 If I Knew Then What I Know Now....I went on blog-about for a little while this evening. As I read my friend Jay's entry (One Day at a Time for those of you who do not know him), I was immediately drawn back to my own youth, and the sights and sounds of...just being. When infinity stretched out before me in perpetual motion and my future could be anything I wanted it to be, and unconsciously, even with all the heartache and dsyfunction of growing up in an alcoholic home, life was...perfect, and I would be young forever, and the home that I would make would be everything that I didn't have growing up....so.....flash forward to today.
Today, I sat in the Riverside Psychiatric Center as Michael underwent psychological assessment testing. I sat there and wondered, and stewed, and...imagined. Finally, as 2 1/2 hours, Michael came out and told me that the inkblot tests were really blood stains that looked like daggers, skulls, knives and the Mothman (!).
This child has cost us thousands of dollars. I have two children, no, young adults...who are incapable of taking care of themselves, and are still costing us a ton of money, money that we don't have. I resent that. A lot. It's frustrating, and something that I don't understand. No initiative, no longing for independence, no willingness to try to begin their own lives. Don't get me wrong, I love my children with every fiber of my being. I'm just ready for some independence, some "me" time, time to become reacquainted with my husband...so much for the perfect family, huh?
But, they are my family, for better or for worse, and I'm in it for the long haul, although I must admit that there are definitely times that my soul longs to run far, far away. So, if I knew then what I know now, would I do things the same way all over again? The question of the ages...I cannot imagine living life any other way.
Oh, by the way. Jay? This song's for you....
 1/5/2006 Where I Have BeenIt's been a while, hasn't it? I apologize to all of you who have been patiently checking my site, and to all of you whom I consider to be my friends who have left messages of hope and well wishes. I didn't mean to disappear. My hiatus kind of got out of hand...
First of all...my son Michael has returned home. As of November 4, 2005, to be precise. And although I love him with every fiber of my being, it is difficult living with him. And, for whatever reason, I've had a much more difficult time coping with him this time around. So....I'm battling many, many things. Emotional fatigue. Physical exhaustion. Mental fogginess, if you will. We finally manged to have him seen by a psychiatrist and a psychologist, and he has begun his assessment testing. Hopefully, I will be able to report the results in a couple of weeks. He will return to high school within 2 weeks, as well. I'm more than anxiety ridden over this, as he is such an addict, and gravitates towards people who are definitely NOT healthy for him to be around.
Secondly, I'm almost done with my Master's program. And, all at once, my time is definitely not my own. It's weird, though, wondering what I'm going to do with all of this "free time" that I will have on my hands within a month or so. Still applying for jobs in my field of choice for my Master's programs, still getting a great deal of rejections. Trying hard to trust God on this one, wondering if this has all been a total waste.
Thirdly, we started Elizabeth's orthodontia treatments (to the tune of $7500. Did I already mention that?) I must say, it's been psychologically draining for both me and Elizabeth. Me, because I take on so many of my children's emotions. (If anyone knows how to NOT do this, please feel free to share!) We've done the spacers on the upper teeth, turned the key for two weeks on the expander, and now have graduated to the head gear. Sigh. I keep telling her how worth it is going to be, but she can't envision the outcome, so this is doubly difficult. Next will be the spacers on the bottom teeth, and bottom braces...oh , did I say that I have to figure out a way to come up with an extra $185 a month??? Sigh.
Finally....is there a finally? I often wonder if the battles will always be the same. Maybe I'm just too dense to learn what God is trying to teach me, as it seems the battles are always the same....AT any rate, I've finally built up the emotional stamina to return "home", if you will, to my MSN spaces. This is the best therapy there is, really. It's just getting up the courage to let it out, isn't it?
I hope that you all had blessed holiday seasons. I pray that all of you have an extremely blessed 2006. And, I am eager to visit with every one of you, my friends!
 10/31/2005 Several Things  The song, "Your Love", is sung by Michelle Wright, accompanied by Jim Brickman. I love listening to Jim Brickman. I remember the first time I heard this CD. I was at work, at Lucent. This song came on, and I called Kevin on the phone, and held my headphones up to the earpiece so he could hear the song...then I told him that this was how I felt about him. Isn't it funny what memories a song will bring back??? Oh, by the way. If a song ever annoys you, just hit the "Esc" key, and it'll stop.
It's been a while since I've written. It's not that I haven't wanted to, you understand...it's just that. I don't know. I don't know WHAT it is. There's so much I want to share, to express, but it's all locked away in that secret part of my heart that doesn't want to let it go, I guess. Feelings. Emotions. Thoughts du jour. But, it's THERE, and I'm searching for a way to let go...
One of the things that I've been pondering is that of what it truly MEANS to be a Christian in today's world. Now, I've been saved since I was very young. My belief in Jesus Christ is an integral part of my life. Most of the time, though, I don't openly "flaunt" it...because there are many people that don't care to hear. Does that mean I'm ashamed of my GOD? NO!!!! Absolutely NOT. But, I will NOT push him onto someone who could care less, who is not interested, nor ever will be interested. Why? (And yes, this goes against all of my Southern Baptist background). Because I will not cheapen my Lord, my Christ, my God on those who will throw him away. Does that mean I am unwilling to offend for the gospel? Absolutely not. Again. But, I am inclined to following the prompting of the Holy Spirit about when and with whom I share this gift. I am fully aware that as Christians, we are judged and gauged by the world on what we say and do. It is my prayer that my life is my witness for my beloved. Does that mean I don't fail? Absolutely not, again. I fail on a second by second basis. I have to ask forgiveness from Christ a gazillion times a day, but it is always my fervent desire and hope that my life, if flashed upon the big screen of life, will be pleasing to God, and an impetus to man. I don't go to church Not that I don't want to. But churchs are full of fallible humans who can be detrimental to a fragile soul. Rejection is a hard, bitter pill to swallow, and we as a family have faced it too many times to want to try again so easily. But, I know that eventually, we will get up the courage to try again. I comfort myself with the knowledge that organized, corporal religion that is so prevelant today, so political today, and so politically correct today is NOT the worship that God had in mind. My mother, on the other hand, believes that my lack of church attendance is the catalyst for many of my problems...Sigh. I don't ever want to be accused of putting God in a box. I remember one time, a voice in my spirit said, "You will always be so much harder on yourself than I can EVER be on you"...Yet, I KNOW that while this is the age of the dispensation of grace, that God is still a formidable, jealous God who turns away from sin. I know that if his advances are continuously rejected, he will eventually turn away. And, these thoughts trouble me for those who I know do not understand him, and need him in a way that they can't even recognize. I miss the church of my childhood, and I regret that I haven't had the opportunity to give this to my children. I pray that their foundation will deepen, will become firm, on the solid ground of Christ and his word...sometimes, it's hard for them to understand with everything that we've been through. They've watched me cry out to God many, many times during the dark night of our collective soul. I fear that their own hearts are hardened by this period in our life; that they don't fully understand God and his works based upon what they have experienced. Their faith, I fear isn't as strong as it should be, and I don't know how to change that, but to continue on doing things the way that I do them. These issues trouble my mother's heart. Yet, I know, that in the end, it is their own faith they must lean on, not mine.
Things are so different now, than when I was a child. Nothing is truly innocent anymore. Everything has a connotation of good or evil...halloween, for example. There are those that have taken this holiday, and made it totally evil, wicked. All I remember about Halloween growing up is going out, dressed up in my costume, begging for candy. Have I been evilly or negatively impacted for participating in this holiday tradition? I would hope that I can honestly say "NO." Yet, now, because of the small minority of the population, another tradition has fallen by the wayside. Designated hours for going out begging for candy. Designated days. Not on Halloween, you see, because it's....evil. There will always be that part of life that is evil, to my mind. Just as there is always that part of life that is good. Always. That will never change. But, it saddens me that what most people innocently took for granted has been taken away, to become horrifying and evil, and all things bad. I ask my kids..."What do YOU remember about Halloween? They all answer, "Why wearing that ridiculously expensive/silly/stupid/uncomfortable costume, taking our pillowcase (cuz it holds more) and begging for candy....
So, I rest in the comfort of the words of God, that I and my household shall be saved...and I'll go on trying to live my life for Christ in the only way that I know how, that I've known how forever. It's inherent, you know. It's instinctive. Doing the "right" thing, the compassionate thing, without thinking about the outcome, calculating the consequences. It's the only way that I know how to live. If he can use my life to influence another for his purpose, then I'm grateful. If he chooses to bless the life of another, then maybe, just maybe...I'll get to hear those precious words someday..."Well done, good and faithful servant." It's all I've ever wanted, really.
Have a blessed evening, and a Happy Boo-day! And, if by chance, someone comes by beggin' for candy with a pillowcase, throw 'em a couple of pieces for me! 
Always, April10/24/2005 Story Behind the Music Almost 10 years ago, Kevin and I were forced to go through a situation that I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. Someday, if I'm brave enough, maybe I'll share. Let it be known that I've never prayed so hard in my life, or clung so fiercely to God than during that period of our lives. One night, it was late -- like 2 in the morning. I was doing some research regarding our situation. I walked into the den, and Kevin was listening to this Song, by Joshua Kadison -- "Beautiful in My Eyes". He told me that this song represented everything he felt about me, about US. I stumbled across the CD the other day, and thought I'd share... Did I Say that the Pack was Back?NOT. LOST BY ONE POINT, LAST 2 SECONDS OF THE GAME WHEN THE VIKINGS KICKED A 58 FOOT FIELDGOAL. GOOD GRIEF. I THOUGH KEVIN WAS GONNA HAVE A STROKE. SIGH.
MY NERVES WERE SO JANGLED, I THOUGHT I WAS GONNA HAVE TO BE COMMITTED. I DON'T GET THE MEANING OF "FUN" IN THE SENSE IT IS USED WITH FOOTBALL....
SIGH. 10/20/2005 What DOES A Couple DO on their Anniversary?Why, go out to eat (at Outback Steakhouse, no less), and meander around the mall until closing time. Smelling candles and watching people. What a GREAT combination!
Hubby brought home a boquet of flowers, Russell Stover chocolates, and the most wonderful card. Aaaawwwwwwwww.
Happy Anniversary, Kevin. I love you, too. The Story of UsOctober 20, 1984. It's pouring BUCKETS, and I mean BUCKETS of rain. It's our wedding day--we married in a tiny chapel within a huge, venerable Methodist Church, downtown Oklahoma City. It's such a bad area, that the janitor is standing watch over the cars with a shotgun.
The chapel holds no more than 20 people. Kevin and I have been living together for the past 10 months. I couldn't take it any longer, and I told him, "This isn't what God wants. We either get married, or break it off, and I leave." So....we married. There wasn't a whole lot of planning. There wasn't a particular reason for the day itself. We had planned for the weekend prior to this, but it was the annual college rivalry between Oklahoma and Texas. No one was available to attend our wedding...the pastor, the best man, the guests....so, we moved it back a week.
We met at AT&T. I was newly employed, Kevin was newly transferred from Illinois. I was engaged (to someone else), he was married (to someone else). I worked in personnel, and kept up the employee files, complete with photos of the employees. A request was made by the local PR office for a photo of Kevin for a welcome article...there weren't any extra in his file. So...I scheduled an appointment for more photos. The photos were multi-photo polaroids that we kept in envelopes, with a photo pasted on the front for quick identification purposes. I took a look at his photo so I'd be able to recognize him, and said, "This is the man I'm going to marry." (I'll remind you, I was engaged, he was already married.) BUT, I KNEW that we were going to be together...He was the most handsome man I'd ever seen. Such a sensitive face, tentative smile. Beautiful brown eyes, facial features...all the girls I worked with in Personnel thought I had lost my mind...
Fast forward six months...I heard through the rumor mill that Kevin's wife, who was from Illinois and transferred (of course) with him, decided that she didn't like it in Oklahoma, and was tired of being married to him. So, he came home after work one morning....and she was gone, along with the majority of their belongings. They were married 10 months. This made me sad. I could see Kevin's face in my mind...I made a mental note to stop and visit him, let him know how sorry I was.
Fast forward two more months...I received a letter in the mail from my intended (he was in Officer's Candidate School in the army). It was Thanksgiving weekend. He told me he no longer loved me, that he was in love with someone else...someone in his unit. He was gay...
Fast forward one more month....right before Christmas, 1983. I was standing at the entrance of my work area. A man was walking toward me...such a handsome man. My heart started beating faster...but I couldn't make out who it was. As he grew closer, I recognized him. It was Kevin. He stopped to visit, and asked me out for a coke. We went out after work, and talked for hours. He left the next morning for his home in Wisconsin. He told me that he wasn't coming back. That he was homesick, and that he hated it in Oklahoma...
Fast forward to January, 1984. I was late for work. So was he. He was back, after all! My heart sang...one evening in the cafeteria, a group of test engineers, who I knew, were sitting at the next table. There was another man, who I couldn't recognize, just....staring at me, smiling. It made me so uncomfortable, I left dinner early. Later, I found out it was Kevin. He said he couldn't take his eyes off of me, trying to be brave enough to come over and ask me out again. He thought I was angry at him, and didn't want to see him ...Two weeks later, we started dating...that is the story of us.
TWENTY ONE YEARS. Many ups and downs. Many trials. One so bad, (and no, it's not Mike), we both swore we were in hell. But, we survived. We always survive. We are soulmates, you see. We are constantly together. It's rare to see us apart. He's my best friend, and I, his. It's not perfect, but, it's comfortable. More importantly, it's blessed...
I'm trying to find pictures. So much of our stuff is still in storage in Oklahoma. I think I have a few, some of our wedding. I will add them if I find them....
 10/18/2005 THe Foxes are at It AGAINOK....I'm highly exasperated today. I received news that was very optomistic in nature (which I'll share later), and then.....you got it. Those pesky foxes appeared out of no where!!!
ALL within minutes of each other. MINUTES!!!!! ARRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!
So, I do the only thing I know how to do...I CRY OUT to my God. (After I stomp my feet, shake my fists, and scream for a while....)
 for listening to me rant, rave, vent, and yell! Blessings,
April  10/15/2005 Friday Night in the Big TownIt's foggy outside, but not really cold. There was a hint of a chill in the air, but did not hamper us on our two mile evening walk. A candle, Pumpkin Spice, is in the candle warmer, and the house smells delicious.
Seinfield is on the TV here with me...Kev is in the bedroom watching "Mercury Rising". Elizabeth is cloistered in her room, with her journal, her music and her birds, Ashley is "chatting" downstairs in the basement. Popples is at my feet, snoring -- and for such a small dog, she snores quite loudly. Bandit is half-on, half-off the couch, zonked out. JC Kitty is in the recliner, lazily watching me with one eye closed. It's a lazy evening.
I have been feeling domestic, lately. It happens every fall. I get busy in the kitchen, and cook up a storm. Apple-pecan bread, pumpkin tarts. Maryland Fried Chicken, mashed potatoes with cream gravy and dinner rolls. Cookbooks are spread out everywhere, and I'm gleaning scrumptious recipes, new and old. Sometimes, subconsciously, I will fix all of Michael's favorite foods. Halfway through, I always realize that he's not here, and I cry. It's funny what is missed. He loves my cooking, and I have to brag on myself. I'm one heck of a cook. Always have been. Forced to learn before I was 8...it's a true passion. My grandmother -- my mother's mom, passed away when I was 2. She was 48. Mom often says that I remind her so much of my granny, her mom. Her name was "Lydia", and she apparently made the best fried chicken in the south. Her pies were to die for, I guess. Maybe her spirit coaches me on in the kitchen. I regret that I never knew her. I would have liked that, cooking with someone, sharing secrets. I guess I resemble her in many ways, including height, coloring and temperament. How can that be, when I've never met her? But, it's a compliment that I hold close to my heart. And, I look forward to a grand reunion....Memories hold me captive tonight. Maybe it's the moon. Is it a harvest moon? Maybe it's the season. Maybe, it's just me. I'm feeling melancholy and bitter-sweet, aching for something unseen. Have you ever felt like that? Probably just longing for home, again.
Well, all, it's late, so I guess I'll head off to bed. May your sleep be sweet, and your dreams be blessed. Oh yes...Thanks to CindyMama for the pic. She did a good job!
 10/13/2005 Tell Me I Can DO ThisTell me I can do this. Tell me everything will be alright. Tell me that I can release my son into the abyss of prison hell. Tell me that we will both live through it....tell me it's okay to cry, to grieve, to panic....tell me I can do this. Before I was a MOMBefore I was a Mom I slept as late as I wanted and never worried about how late I got into bed. Before I was a Mom Before I was a Mom I had never been puked on. Before I was a Mom I never held down a screaming child so that doctors could do tests. I never looked into teary eyes and cried. Before I was a Mom I never held a sleeping baby just because I didn't want to put it down. I never knew that I could love someone so much.
Before I was a Mom
Before I was a Mom I had never gotten up in the middle of the night every 10 minutes to make sure all was okay.
 10/12/2005 A Story for You
I hope you enjoy, even if you've heard it before! I surely needed it! Two men, both seriously ill, occupied the same hospital room. One man was allowed to sit up in his bed for an hour each afternoon to help drain the fluid from his lungs. His bed was next to the room's only window. The other man had to spend all his time flat on his back. The men talked for hours on end. They spoke of their wives and families, their homes, their jobs, their involvement in the military service, where they had been on vacation. Every afternoon when the man in the bed by the window could situp, he would pass the time by describing to his roommate all the things he could see outside the window. The man in the other bed began to live for those one hour periods where his world would be broadened and enlivened by all the activity and color of the world outside. The window overlooked a park with a lovely lake. Ducks and swans played on the water while children sailed their model boats. Young lovers walked arm in arm amidst flowers of every color and a fine view of the city skyline could be seen in the distance. As the man by the window described all this in exquisite detail, the man on the other side of the room would close his eyes and imagine the picturesque scene. One warm afternoon the man by the window described a parade passing by. Although the other man couldn't hear the band - he could see it. In his mind's eye as the gentleman by the window portrayed it with descriptive words. Days and weeks passed. One morning, the day nurse arrived to bring water for their baths only to find the lifeless body of the man by the window, who had died peacefully in his sleep. She was saddened and called the hospital attendants to take the body away. As soon as it seemed appropriate, the other man asked if he could be moved next to the window. The nurse was happy to make the switch, and after making sure he was comfortable, she left him alone. Slowly, painfully, he propped himself up on one elbow to take his first look at the real world outside. He strained to slowly turn to look out the window beside the bed. It faced a blank wall. The man asked the nurse what could have compelled his deceased roommate who had described such wonderful things outside this window The nurse responded that the man was blind and could not even see the wall. She said, "Perhaps he just wanted to encourage you." Epilogue: "Today is a gift, that's why it is called the present." 10/11/2005 Crappy DayI have a confession to make. I have been a bad person today. I snapped at Kevin (twice!), was short with Ashley, and just in an all-around hateful mood. When Elizabeth came home with "that look" on her face, and I could feel my shoulder blades pulling together tensely...I knew it was all over for this mom. And, I really don't have a good reason for being so ugly. I even pushed Popples off the bed, and she's a grandma dog!!! What is WRONG with me???
Perhaps it's PMS, and I DEFY any man to argue the hormone thing with me. Try telling a peri-menopausal woman that she's using hormones as an excuse to be ugly....the ensuing drama is NOT a pretty sight. Sigh. Whatever the reason, this mom is REALLY out of sorts today. And, on that note....I'm going to bed
 .Goodnight,
Mom Eeyore
 10/10/2005 The Pack is Back?The opposing team -- New Orleans Saints. The score -- 52 to 3. Perhaps, just perhaps, they've gotten their groove back? We can only pray, for all the packerbacker widows out there.... PonderingsI woke up early this morning. Michael's situation permeates my thoughts. I am often distraught, and pray constantly for Christ's peace that surpasses all understanding. I wonder...how did Mary do it, the mother of Christ? How did she live with her own agony? And...in one sense, she lost her son, but not her savior. So....it's 4:15 am, and I get up and grab my bible. After gulping dr. pepper, turning on the fireplace, and forcing my eyes to focus, I settle down to read about Daniel and Joseph. The thought of a verse had come to me when I was still lying in bed....Daniel 6:9. Now, I don't know where the verse 9 came from, or for what reason, but, the chapter 6 of Daniel is about Daniel's loyalty to God, his refusal to obey his king, and his subsequent death sentence to the den of lions. And, then the verses, the living words of God that jumped off the page...."He rescues people and sets them free by working great miracles." Daniel 6:26 (CEV).
Have you ever had that happen? Where the words of the bible float up off of the page and hover, boldly, in front of you? Everything else falls away...and you see God's voice. It's only happened to me 4 or 5 times. I treasure each time that it has happened. Because I know that God is specifically directing his thoughts, his commandments, my way. FOR ME.
Does this mean that Michael will not go to prison? I don't know. I wish his blueprint was perfectly clear, but, for right now, it is enough that he took the time to clearly show me his promises.
 Mom April10/6/2005 Goodbye, LamontMy blog friend Lamont worked through his daughter's suicide and finished his last entry sometime last week. He said goodbye, and deleted his space. I'm glad he worked through this --and hope he will be back, under a new name with a new story to tell. I miss him. I miss reading about his situation, and his pain, and his daughter. I miss his honesty and candor, his ability to share his grief. But, again, I'm glad he's able to move on. I hope that he returns to visit us, and leaves us a message now and then, letting us know he's still OK. If you never visited his site, his daughter Angela committed suicide in January of this year. She had tried for a long time, and finally couldn't handle the pain any longer.
When I would read about her, and his struggle to cope, it reminded me of a time in my life, in my early twenties. I thought I'd share that today.
I had just turned 21. I was a dysfunctional person, from an alcoholic/abusive home. I was very naive and immature for my age, and had been through a lot. There was a "boy" that I was "in love" with --his name wa Tommy, and he was a year younger than me, I think. He caused me a lot of emotional pain. Well, perhaps some of it I brought on myself, but, he definitly had his hand in the mix. Add THAT to the years of garbage I had growing up, and by the time I was 20, I was a complete wreck. Totally. I couldn't eat--I weighed about 68 pounds that summer. 5 foot tall. Looking back at pictures now, I looked so....emaciated. Well, I was, actually. And...one day, I just couldn't take it any more. I just wanted my intense emotional pain to GO AWAY. All the years of confusion and abuse. This was especially difficult, because I was "raised" in a Christian household. There's not supposed to be abuse in a Christian household, is there?? At any rate...I decided that I wanted to die. To make my pain stop. To be in peace.
Now, I had been a Christian since I was 9. That was part of the problem, I think. I couldn't grasp why God wouldn't get me out of this abusive situation, if he loved me so much...but, that's a story for a different time. I believed in him, and loved him. I knew that suicide was WRONG, but the pain was so STRONG. So....one night, I went home, and started swalling pills. I begged God to forgive me the whole time I was taking all of these pills, gagging them down. 1100 mg of Valium, plus some other sundry and assorted drugs. It took me almost an hour to swallow everything that I took. Then, I went to bed. And, again, I asked God to forgive me for what I had done. He spoke within my spirit, and told me that "everything would be alright." I took that to mean that death was imminent, that he had forgiven me, and I would be in eternal bliss. With him. Away from all of the PAIN.
BOY WAS I WRONG!!! Can you believe it???!! I got up the next morning and WENT TO WORK!!!. Now, I was very sick. I don't know how I made it. I was hallucinating. I'm almost positive I drove down the wrong side of the highway. I couldn't even function, but I was still alive. When I got to work, I went into the bathroom and threw up. At least, I think I did. When I looked up from the toliet, there was a skeleton standing there, staring down at me. He was wearing a bowtie and a top hat. He took the top hat off, tipped it, and bowed in my direction. That's the last thing I remember. Was that death? I don't know.
I woke up in the hospital. I was told that I should have died. I weighed 59 pounds by this time. I hurt a lot of people. But at the time, I wasn't thinking about that. You can't. All you can think about is how much you are hurting, and how desperate you are for the pain to stop. There are no consequences. There is only supposed to be---release. Well...of course, I'm okay now. It took a long time for me to work through all of my issues. Believe me when I say that there were a lot. I went through 3 years of therapy with a Christian Childhood Restoration Therapist. I am the person I am today because I finally chose to face my pain, face my abuse, instead of trying to escape it.
Some people aren't so fortunate. But I can assure you, that with the exception of a tiny group who use suicide as a means to get back at someone else, those poor people have no idea what they're doing. They are so ill. If they were like me, they have no idea of what is going on in the world around them. They have no idea of the pain and emotions of others. They just want to be in peace, to not hurt anymore. God brought me back from the brink. Sometimes, I ponder those days of my life, and wonder how I can use them to his glory. Surely, he didn't allow me to experience all of that trauma for no reason at all. So....if this touches one person's life, makes a difference for someone who wants the pain to go away, then, well, that time in my life will not have been in vain.
May God Richly Bless Your Life Today,
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