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1/5/2006 Where I Have BeenIt's been a while, hasn't it? I apologize to all of you who have been patiently checking my site, and to all of you whom I consider to be my friends who have left messages of hope and well wishes. I didn't mean to disappear. My hiatus kind of got out of hand...
First of all...my son Michael has returned home. As of November 4, 2005, to be precise. And although I love him with every fiber of my being, it is difficult living with him. And, for whatever reason, I've had a much more difficult time coping with him this time around. So....I'm battling many, many things. Emotional fatigue. Physical exhaustion. Mental fogginess, if you will. We finally manged to have him seen by a psychiatrist and a psychologist, and he has begun his assessment testing. Hopefully, I will be able to report the results in a couple of weeks. He will return to high school within 2 weeks, as well. I'm more than anxiety ridden over this, as he is such an addict, and gravitates towards people who are definitely NOT healthy for him to be around.
Secondly, I'm almost done with my Master's program. And, all at once, my time is definitely not my own. It's weird, though, wondering what I'm going to do with all of this "free time" that I will have on my hands within a month or so. Still applying for jobs in my field of choice for my Master's programs, still getting a great deal of rejections. Trying hard to trust God on this one, wondering if this has all been a total waste.
Thirdly, we started Elizabeth's orthodontia treatments (to the tune of $7500. Did I already mention that?) I must say, it's been psychologically draining for both me and Elizabeth. Me, because I take on so many of my children's emotions. (If anyone knows how to NOT do this, please feel free to share!) We've done the spacers on the upper teeth, turned the key for two weeks on the expander, and now have graduated to the head gear. Sigh. I keep telling her how worth it is going to be, but she can't envision the outcome, so this is doubly difficult. Next will be the spacers on the bottom teeth, and bottom braces...oh , did I say that I have to figure out a way to come up with an extra $185 a month??? Sigh.
Finally....is there a finally? I often wonder if the battles will always be the same. Maybe I'm just too dense to learn what God is trying to teach me, as it seems the battles are always the same....AT any rate, I've finally built up the emotional stamina to return "home", if you will, to my MSN spaces. This is the best therapy there is, really. It's just getting up the courage to let it out, isn't it?
I hope that you all had blessed holiday seasons. I pray that all of you have an extremely blessed 2006. And, I am eager to visit with every one of you, my friends!
![]() 10/31/2005 Several Things![]() ![]() The song, "Your Love", is sung by Michelle Wright, accompanied by Jim Brickman. I love listening to Jim Brickman. I remember the first time I heard this CD. I was at work, at Lucent. This song came on, and I called Kevin on the phone, and held my headphones up to the earpiece so he could hear the song...then I told him that this was how I felt about him. Isn't it funny what memories a song will bring back??? Oh, by the way. If a song ever annoys you, just hit the "Esc" key, and it'll stop.
![]() It's been a while since I've written. It's not that I haven't wanted to, you understand...it's just that. I don't know. I don't know WHAT it is. There's so much I want to share, to express, but it's all locked away in that secret part of my heart that doesn't want to let it go, I guess. Feelings. Emotions. Thoughts du jour. But, it's THERE, and I'm searching for a way to let go...
![]() One of the things that I've been pondering is that of what it truly MEANS to be a Christian in today's world. Now, I've been saved since I was very young. My belief in Jesus Christ is an integral part of my life. Most of the time, though, I don't openly "flaunt" it...because there are many people that don't care to hear. Does that mean I'm ashamed of my GOD? NO!!!! Absolutely NOT. But, I will NOT push him onto someone who could care less, who is not interested, nor ever will be interested. Why? (And yes, this goes against all of my Southern Baptist background). Because I will not cheapen my Lord, my Christ, my God on those who will throw him away. Does that mean I am unwilling to offend for the gospel? Absolutely not. Again. But, I am inclined to following the prompting of the Holy Spirit about when and with whom I share this gift. I am fully aware that as Christians, we are judged and gauged by the world on what we say and do. It is my prayer that my life is my witness for my beloved. Does that mean I don't fail? Absolutely not, again. I fail on a second by second basis. I have to ask forgiveness from Christ a gazillion times a day, but it is always my fervent desire and hope that my life, if flashed upon the big screen of life, will be pleasing to God, and an impetus to man. I don't go to church Not that I don't want to. But churchs are full of fallible humans who can be detrimental to a fragile soul. Rejection is a hard, bitter pill to swallow, and we as a family have faced it too many times to want to try again so easily. But, I know that eventually, we will get up the courage to try again. I comfort myself with the knowledge that organized, corporal religion that is so prevelant today, so political today, and so politically correct today is NOT the worship that God had in mind. My mother, on the other hand, believes that my lack of church attendance is the catalyst for many of my problems...Sigh. I don't ever want to be accused of putting God in a box. I remember one time, a voice in my spirit said, "You will always be so much harder on yourself than I can EVER be on you"...Yet, I KNOW that while this is the age of the dispensation of grace, that God is still a formidable, jealous God who turns away from sin. I know that if his advances are continuously rejected, he will eventually turn away. And, these thoughts trouble me for those who I know do not understand him, and need him in a way that they can't even recognize. I miss the church of my childhood, and I regret that I haven't had the opportunity to give this to my children. I pray that their foundation will deepen, will become firm, on the solid ground of Christ and his word...sometimes, it's hard for them to understand with everything that we've been through. They've watched me cry out to God many, many times during the dark night of our collective soul. I fear that their own hearts are hardened by this period in our life; that they don't fully understand God and his works based upon what they have experienced. Their faith, I fear isn't as strong as it should be, and I don't know how to change that, but to continue on doing things the way that I do them. These issues trouble my mother's heart. Yet, I know, that in the end, it is their own faith they must lean on, not mine.
![]() Things are so different now, than when I was a child. Nothing is truly innocent anymore. Everything has a connotation of good or evil...halloween, for example. There are those that have taken this holiday, and made it totally evil, wicked. All I remember about Halloween growing up is going out, dressed up in my costume, begging for candy. Have I been evilly or negatively impacted for participating in this holiday tradition? I would hope that I can honestly say "NO." Yet, now, because of the small minority of the population, another tradition has fallen by the wayside. Designated hours for going out begging for candy. Designated days. Not on Halloween, you see, because it's....evil. There will always be that part of life that is evil, to my mind. Just as there is always that part of life that is good. Always. That will never change. But, it saddens me that what most people innocently took for granted has been taken away, to become horrifying and evil, and all things bad. I ask my kids..."What do YOU remember about Halloween? They all answer, "Why wearing that ridiculously expensive/silly/stupid/uncomfortable costume, taking our pillowcase (cuz it holds more) and begging for candy....
![]() So, I rest in the comfort of the words of God, that I and my household shall be saved...and I'll go on trying to live my life for Christ in the only way that I know how, that I've known how forever. It's inherent, you know. It's instinctive. Doing the "right" thing, the compassionate thing, without thinking about the outcome, calculating the consequences. It's the only way that I know how to live. If he can use my life to influence another for his purpose, then I'm grateful. If he chooses to bless the life of another, then maybe, just maybe...I'll get to hear those precious words someday..."Well done, good and faithful servant." It's all I've ever wanted, really.
Have a blessed evening, and a Happy Boo-day! And, if by chance, someone comes by beggin' for candy with a pillowcase, throw 'em a couple of pieces for me!
Always, April10/24/2005 Story Behind the Music Almost 10 years ago, Kevin and I were forced to go through a situation that I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. Someday, if I'm brave enough, maybe I'll share. Let it be known that I've never prayed so hard in my life, or clung so fiercely to God than during that period of our lives. One night, it was late -- like 2 in the morning. I was doing some research regarding our situation. I walked into the den, and Kevin was listening to this Song, by Joshua Kadison -- "Beautiful in My Eyes". He told me that this song represented everything he felt about me, about US. I stumbled across the CD the other day, and thought I'd share... Did I Say that the Pack was Back?NOT. LOST BY ONE POINT, LAST 2 SECONDS OF THE GAME WHEN THE VIKINGS KICKED A 58 FOOT FIELDGOAL. GOOD GRIEF. I THOUGH KEVIN WAS GONNA HAVE A STROKE. SIGH.
MY NERVES WERE SO JANGLED, I THOUGHT I WAS GONNA HAVE TO BE COMMITTED. I DON'T GET THE MEANING OF "FUN" IN THE SENSE IT IS USED WITH FOOTBALL....
SIGH. 10/20/2005 What DOES A Couple DO on their Anniversary?Why, go out to eat (at Outback Steakhouse, no less), and meander around the mall until closing time. Smelling candles and watching people. What a GREAT combination!
Hubby brought home a boquet of flowers, Russell Stover chocolates, and the most wonderful card. Aaaawwwwwwwww.
Happy Anniversary, Kevin. I love you, too. The Story of UsOctober 20, 1984. It's pouring BUCKETS, and I mean BUCKETS of rain. It's our wedding day--we married in a tiny chapel within a huge, venerable Methodist Church, downtown Oklahoma City. It's such a bad area, that the janitor is standing watch over the cars with a shotgun.
The chapel holds no more than 20 people. Kevin and I have been living together for the past 10 months. I couldn't take it any longer, and I told him, "This isn't what God wants. We either get married, or break it off, and I leave." So....we married. There wasn't a whole lot of planning. There wasn't a particular reason for the day itself. We had planned for the weekend prior to this, but it was the annual college rivalry between Oklahoma and Texas. No one was available to attend our wedding...the pastor, the best man, the guests....so, we moved it back a week.
We met at AT&T. I was newly employed, Kevin was newly transferred from Illinois. I was engaged (to someone else), he was married (to someone else). I worked in personnel, and kept up the employee files, complete with photos of the employees. A request was made by the local PR office for a photo of Kevin for a welcome article...there weren't any extra in his file. So...I scheduled an appointment for more photos. The photos were multi-photo polaroids that we kept in envelopes, with a photo pasted on the front for quick identification purposes. I took a look at his photo so I'd be able to recognize him, and said, "This is the man I'm going to marry." (I'll remind you, I was engaged, he was already married.) BUT, I KNEW that we were going to be together...He was the most handsome man I'd ever seen. Such a sensitive face, tentative smile. Beautiful brown eyes, facial features...all the girls I worked with in Personnel thought I had lost my mind...
Fast forward six months...I heard through the rumor mill that Kevin's wife, who was from Illinois and transferred (of course) with him, decided that she didn't like it in Oklahoma, and was tired of being married to him. So, he came home after work one morning....and she was gone, along with the majority of their belongings. They were married 10 months. This made me sad. I could see Kevin's face in my mind...I made a mental note to stop and visit him, let him know how sorry I was.
Fast forward two more months...I received a letter in the mail from my intended (he was in Officer's Candidate School in the army). It was Thanksgiving weekend. He told me he no longer loved me, that he was in love with someone else...someone in his unit. He was gay...
Fast forward one more month....right before Christmas, 1983. I was standing at the entrance of my work area. A man was walking toward me...such a handsome man. My heart started beating faster...but I couldn't make out who it was. As he grew closer, I recognized him. It was Kevin. He stopped to visit, and asked me out for a coke. We went out after work, and talked for hours. He left the next morning for his home in Wisconsin. He told me that he wasn't coming back. That he was homesick, and that he hated it in Oklahoma...
Fast forward to January, 1984. I was late for work. So was he. He was back, after all! My heart sang...one evening in the cafeteria, a group of test engineers, who I knew, were sitting at the next table. There was another man, who I couldn't recognize, just....staring at me, smiling. It made me so uncomfortable, I left dinner early. Later, I found out it was Kevin. He said he couldn't take his eyes off of me, trying to be brave enough to come over and ask me out again. He thought I was angry at him, and didn't want to see him ...Two weeks later, we started dating...that is the story of us.
TWENTY ONE YEARS. Many ups and downs. Many trials. One so bad, (and no, it's not Mike), we both swore we were in hell. But, we survived. We always survive. We are soulmates, you see. We are constantly together. It's rare to see us apart. He's my best friend, and I, his. It's not perfect, but, it's comfortable. More importantly, it's blessed...
I'm trying to find pictures. So much of our stuff is still in storage in Oklahoma. I think I have a few, some of our wedding. I will add them if I find them....
![]() 10/18/2005 THe Foxes are at It AGAINOK....I'm highly exasperated today. I received news that was very optomistic in nature (which I'll share later), and then.....you got it. Those pesky foxes appeared out of no where!!!
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ALL within minutes of each other. MINUTES!!!!! ARRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!
So, I do the only thing I know how to do...I CRY OUT to my God. (After I stomp my feet, shake my fists, and scream for a while....)
for listening to me rant, rave, vent, and yell! Blessings,
April 10/15/2005 Friday Night in the Big TownIt's foggy outside, but not really cold. There was a hint of a chill in the air, but did not hamper us on our two mile evening walk. A candle, Pumpkin Spice, is in the candle warmer, and the house smells delicious.
Seinfield is on the TV here with me...Kev is in the bedroom watching "Mercury Rising". Elizabeth is cloistered in her room, with her journal, her music and her birds, Ashley is "chatting" downstairs in the basement. Popples is at my feet, snoring -- and for such a small dog, she snores quite loudly. Bandit is half-on, half-off the couch, zonked out. JC Kitty is in the recliner, lazily watching me with one eye closed. It's a lazy evening.
I have been feeling domestic, lately. It happens every fall. I get busy in the kitchen, and cook up a storm. Apple-pecan bread, pumpkin tarts. Maryland Fried Chicken, mashed potatoes with cream gravy and dinner rolls. Cookbooks are spread out everywhere, and I'm gleaning scrumptious recipes, new and old. Sometimes, subconsciously, I will fix all of Michael's favorite foods. Halfway through, I always realize that he's not here, and I cry. It's funny what is missed. He loves my cooking, and I have to brag on myself. I'm one heck of a cook. Always have been. Forced to learn before I was 8...it's a true passion. My grandmother -- my mother's mom, passed away when I was 2. She was 48. Mom often says that I remind her so much of my granny, her mom. Her name was "Lydia", and she apparently made the best fried chicken in the south. Her pies were to die for, I guess. Maybe her spirit coaches me on in the kitchen. I regret that I never knew her. I would have liked that, cooking with someone, sharing secrets. I guess I resemble her in many ways, including height, coloring and temperament. How can that be, when I've never met her? But, it's a compliment that I hold close to my heart. And, I look forward to a grand reunion....Memories hold me captive tonight. Maybe it's the moon. Is it a harvest moon? Maybe it's the season. Maybe, it's just me. I'm feeling melancholy and bitter-sweet, aching for something unseen. Have you ever felt like that? Probably just longing for home, again.
Well, all, it's late, so I guess I'll head off to bed. May your sleep be sweet, and your dreams be blessed. Oh yes...Thanks to CindyMama for the pic. She did a good job!
![]() 10/13/2005 Tell Me I Can DO ThisTell me I can do this. Tell me everything will be alright. Tell me that I can release my son into the abyss of prison hell. Tell me that we will both live through it....tell me it's okay to cry, to grieve, to panic....tell me I can do this. Before I was a MOMBefore I was a Mom I slept as late as I wanted and never worried about how late I got into bed. Before I was a Mom Before I was a Mom I had never been puked on. Before I was a Mom I never held down a screaming child so that doctors could do tests. I never looked into teary eyes and cried. Before I was a Mom I never held a sleeping baby just because I didn't want to put it down. I never knew that I could love someone so much.
Before I was a Mom
Before I was a Mom I had never gotten up in the middle of the night every 10 minutes to make sure all was okay.
![]() 10/12/2005 A Story for You![]()
I hope you enjoy, even if you've heard it before! I surely needed it! Two men, both seriously ill, occupied the same hospital room. One man was allowed to sit up in his bed for an hour each afternoon to help drain the fluid from his lungs. His bed was next to the room's only window. The other man had to spend all his time flat on his back. The men talked for hours on end. They spoke of their wives and families, their homes, their jobs, their involvement in the military service, where they had been on vacation. Every afternoon when the man in the bed by the window could situp, he would pass the time by describing to his roommate all the things he could see outside the window. The man in the other bed began to live for those one hour periods where his world would be broadened and enlivened by all the activity and color of the world outside. The window overlooked a park with a lovely lake. Ducks and swans played on the water while children sailed their model boats. Young lovers walked arm in arm amidst flowers of every color and a fine view of the city skyline could be seen in the distance. As the man by the window described all this in exquisite detail, the man on the other side of the room would close his eyes and imagine the picturesque scene. One warm afternoon the man by the window described a parade passing by. Although the other man couldn't hear the band - he could see it. In his mind's eye as the gentleman by the window portrayed it with descriptive words. Days and weeks passed. One morning, the day nurse arrived to bring water for their baths only to find the lifeless body of the man by the window, who had died peacefully in his sleep. She was saddened and called the hospital attendants to take the body away. As soon as it seemed appropriate, the other man asked if he could be moved next to the window. The nurse was happy to make the switch, and after making sure he was comfortable, she left him alone. Slowly, painfully, he propped himself up on one elbow to take his first look at the real world outside. He strained to slowly turn to look out the window beside the bed. It faced a blank wall. The man asked the nurse what could have compelled his deceased roommate who had described such wonderful things outside this window The nurse responded that the man was blind and could not even see the wall. She said, "Perhaps he just wanted to encourage you." Epilogue: "Today is a gift, that's why it is called the present." 10/11/2005 Crappy DayI have a confession to make. I have been a bad person today. I snapped at Kevin (twice!), was short with Ashley, and just in an all-around hateful mood. When Elizabeth came home with "that look" on her face, and I could feel my shoulder blades pulling together tensely...I knew it was all over for this mom. And, I really don't have a good reason for being so ugly. I even pushed Popples off the bed, and she's a grandma dog!!! What is WRONG with me???
Perhaps it's PMS, and I DEFY any man to argue the hormone thing with me. Try telling a peri-menopausal woman that she's using hormones as an excuse to be ugly....the ensuing drama is NOT a pretty sight. Sigh. Whatever the reason, this mom is REALLY out of sorts today. And, on that note....I'm going to bed
Goodnight,
Mom Eeyore
![]() 10/10/2005 The Pack is Back?The opposing team -- New Orleans Saints. The score -- 52 to 3. Perhaps, just perhaps, they've gotten their groove back? We can only pray, for all the packerbacker widows out there.... PonderingsI woke up early this morning. Michael's situation permeates my thoughts. I am often distraught, and pray constantly for Christ's peace that surpasses all understanding. I wonder...how did Mary do it, the mother of Christ? How did she live with her own agony? And...in one sense, she lost her son, but not her savior. So....it's 4:15 am, and I get up and grab my bible. After gulping dr. pepper, turning on the fireplace, and forcing my eyes to focus, I settle down to read about Daniel and Joseph. The thought of a verse had come to me when I was still lying in bed....Daniel 6:9. Now, I don't know where the verse 9 came from, or for what reason, but, the chapter 6 of Daniel is about Daniel's loyalty to God, his refusal to obey his king, and his subsequent death sentence to the den of lions. And, then the verses, the living words of God that jumped off the page...."He rescues people and sets them free by working great miracles." Daniel 6:26 (CEV).
Have you ever had that happen? Where the words of the bible float up off of the page and hover, boldly, in front of you? Everything else falls away...and you see God's voice. It's only happened to me 4 or 5 times. I treasure each time that it has happened. Because I know that God is specifically directing his thoughts, his commandments, my way. FOR ME.
Does this mean that Michael will not go to prison? I don't know. I wish his blueprint was perfectly clear, but, for right now, it is enough that he took the time to clearly show me his promises.
Mom April10/6/2005 Goodbye, LamontMy blog friend Lamont worked through his daughter's suicide and finished his last entry sometime last week. He said goodbye, and deleted his space. I'm glad he worked through this --and hope he will be back, under a new name with a new story to tell. I miss him. I miss reading about his situation, and his pain, and his daughter. I miss his honesty and candor, his ability to share his grief. But, again, I'm glad he's able to move on. I hope that he returns to visit us, and leaves us a message now and then, letting us know he's still OK. If you never visited his site, his daughter Angela committed suicide in January of this year. She had tried for a long time, and finally couldn't handle the pain any longer.
When I would read about her, and his struggle to cope, it reminded me of a time in my life, in my early twenties. I thought I'd share that today.
I had just turned 21. I was a dysfunctional person, from an alcoholic/abusive home. I was very naive and immature for my age, and had been through a lot. There was a "boy" that I was "in love" with --his name wa Tommy, and he was a year younger than me, I think. He caused me a lot of emotional pain. Well, perhaps some of it I brought on myself, but, he definitly had his hand in the mix. Add THAT to the years of garbage I had growing up, and by the time I was 20, I was a complete wreck. Totally. I couldn't eat--I weighed about 68 pounds that summer. 5 foot tall. Looking back at pictures now, I looked so....emaciated. Well, I was, actually. And...one day, I just couldn't take it any more. I just wanted my intense emotional pain to GO AWAY. All the years of confusion and abuse. This was especially difficult, because I was "raised" in a Christian household. There's not supposed to be abuse in a Christian household, is there?? At any rate...I decided that I wanted to die. To make my pain stop. To be in peace.
Now, I had been a Christian since I was 9. That was part of the problem, I think. I couldn't grasp why God wouldn't get me out of this abusive situation, if he loved me so much...but, that's a story for a different time. I believed in him, and loved him. I knew that suicide was WRONG, but the pain was so STRONG. So....one night, I went home, and started swalling pills. I begged God to forgive me the whole time I was taking all of these pills, gagging them down. 1100 mg of Valium, plus some other sundry and assorted drugs. It took me almost an hour to swallow everything that I took. Then, I went to bed. And, again, I asked God to forgive me for what I had done. He spoke within my spirit, and told me that "everything would be alright." I took that to mean that death was imminent, that he had forgiven me, and I would be in eternal bliss. With him. Away from all of the PAIN.
BOY WAS I WRONG!!! Can you believe it???!! I got up the next morning and WENT TO WORK!!!. Now, I was very sick. I don't know how I made it. I was hallucinating. I'm almost positive I drove down the wrong side of the highway. I couldn't even function, but I was still alive. When I got to work, I went into the bathroom and threw up. At least, I think I did. When I looked up from the toliet, there was a skeleton standing there, staring down at me. He was wearing a bowtie and a top hat. He took the top hat off, tipped it, and bowed in my direction. That's the last thing I remember. Was that death? I don't know.
I woke up in the hospital. I was told that I should have died. I weighed 59 pounds by this time. I hurt a lot of people. But at the time, I wasn't thinking about that. You can't. All you can think about is how much you are hurting, and how desperate you are for the pain to stop. There are no consequences. There is only supposed to be---release. Well...of course, I'm okay now. It took a long time for me to work through all of my issues. Believe me when I say that there were a lot. I went through 3 years of therapy with a Christian Childhood Restoration Therapist. I am the person I am today because I finally chose to face my pain, face my abuse, instead of trying to escape it.
Some people aren't so fortunate. But I can assure you, that with the exception of a tiny group who use suicide as a means to get back at someone else, those poor people have no idea what they're doing. They are so ill. If they were like me, they have no idea of what is going on in the world around them. They have no idea of the pain and emotions of others. They just want to be in peace, to not hurt anymore. God brought me back from the brink. Sometimes, I ponder those days of my life, and wonder how I can use them to his glory. Surely, he didn't allow me to experience all of that trauma for no reason at all. So....if this touches one person's life, makes a difference for someone who wants the pain to go away, then, well, that time in my life will not have been in vain.
May God Richly Bless Your Life Today,
April 10/5/2005 P.S.P.S. The Packers lost. Again. Sigh. Resignation has set in. It's gonna be a lonnng year.
The Packerbacker Widow.
![]() Missing MichaelIt's true. I miss my son. At least, I do today. I'm frustrated and exasperated, as well, because I'm getting mixed messages about his fate. His attorney says that the ADA refused to work with him, and insists that Michael go to prison. Period. End of story. Mike's attorney had requested some information last month. So...I found it, emailed it to him, and asked him about it today. He didn't know why I had sent it, and is sure that it won't do any good. THEN WHY IN THE HECK DID YOU ASK FOR IT, YOU JERK??!!! Such a cushy job, that of PD in Gogebic County. Guaranteed income, little to no effort. I asked about the psychological evaluation, and got a bunch of excuses, finger pointing and chest pounding pontificating. The community health center "doesn't want to get involved." OK....aren't there court orders for this? AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAArrrrrrrrrrghhhhh!!! It's called engaging one's brain, or a little effort, please.
Mike also sent a letter in which he told us that he had spoken to his PO, who told him that they were trying to get things resolved so that Mike can come home. It's been 6 weeks, and nothing has been resolved. Everyone is content to let him sit in jail, with nothing happening. His civil rights are being violated, and I don't know where to go with this. Mike's PO, who we've always been in close contact with, hasn't returned my emails. I don't know what to think. I don't know who to believe.
It makes me sick. Certainly, Mike screwed up. But, prison?? My heart is breaking into a million pieces at the thought. I don't even know what to pray, or how to pray. I know that I should begin with "Your will be done." But, to be honest, I don't want to find out. Should I pray for God's intervention? Do I pray that God will touch the ADA's heart? That hasn't happened up to this point. Do I have the right to expect things to change? Will persistence pay off in this situation? Do I pray for the judge, that his heart be touched? How? How do I pray? These people only see that Michael was charged as an adult, and sentenced as an adult. But he's NOT an adult. Heck, right now he's not even functioning properly as a child. What possible good can come out of sending him to prison? Will he "get it" any better in there? No...he'll come out a career criminal. So, there will be two lives ruined. There is doublespeak from all parties. On one hand...no one wants to see Michael go to prison. They want to see him become a viable member of society. On the other hand, he's a bad person, and he needs to go to prison. He doesn't show enough remorse for his actions....the list goes ON and ON.
I'm tired, and confused. And yes, I know as a Christian that God isn't the author of confusion. But that's not making it any better right now. It doesn't give me an answer of what to do, what to think, how to pray or how to make a difference for my son. Perhaps, he deserves going to prison. I mean, after all, he's wearing the stupid crown right now. But, this mother's heart is in agony at the thought...because, when it boils right down to it, he's my baby boy. He's in a small, backward, good-ol-boy town, where's he the hated outsider. (Yes, folks, it really does still exist.) He doesn't stand a chance, unless God chooses to intervene. I know that he CAN, but WILL he? 10/1/2005 Just a Quick NoteJust a quickie...I've added some "newbies" to my Worthwhile Spaces...YES, one of them is my baby, so, you know, it's a teen spot, but if you get the chance, pop in and leave her a message. The other two "newbies" are Paul and Jay. Both have worthwhile things to say, are deep thinkers, have have much to offer.
I LOVE my blog friends....Ben, or Sarge. He's the best, and doing the most important job in the world right now. Laura, a teenager AND a Republican (Yes, she's a woman after my own heart!) She gives me hope for our future generation. Larry, my right shoulder. My buddy in Colorado, spunky and outspoken. She keeps me up on the news in the world -- from a conservative view point. If you ever wish to know the Mom's thoughts on politics and such, visit their sites...Laura's and a Young Republican.
There's Sharon and ginger, with delightful stories and a staunch Raider Fan. Barbara, from Lavender Rain, who struggles with depression. I visit her often, because of my struggles with my son. Michelle is a Christian Counselor, and a great encourager. My pal Cindy -- a writer and a dear, dear friend. She lives in Alaska, and has some awesome pics. Cheer her on--she's exercising and losing weight. Colleen and Lisa are other moms who struggle with life, and aren't ashamed to write about it. We're kindred spirits, in a way. I'm selective on who I add. You guys are genuine people of the highest order, and you keep me honest. You care. You pray. And, you take the time to stop in and visit. So, if you are just on a blogwalk, take the time to visit my friends. You will be so very glad that you did!
Another Week...Poof!I can't believe it's Saturday. I can't believe it's the first day of October. It's balmy today. Perfect Indian Summer day. The trees are beginning to turn colors. I love fall. It's my favorite time of year--preparing for renewal in many different ways. The air is getting crisp, and my lungs want to stttttttttttrrrrrrrrrrrrrreeeeeeeeech as if they've never had a breath of air before. I love the colors, the smells associated with fall. The spicy scents, the renewed smells of pine and balsam and evergreen. I love the fact that it's time to prepare for holiday cooking with it's own bounty of smells...cinnamon and spice, pumpking, nutmeg...I love the fact that the holidays are almost here, and that the anticipation begins. I love watching my breath, which is starting to show on our evening walks. I'm missing my children being small during this time of the year, as well. When your children are little, there's a kind of magic in the air that life can't take away.
This week has been filled with appointments of all kinds. It's been over 4 years since we had any type of medical/dental/vision insurance, and now, well, we're making up for lost time. It's funny about things like insurance. Something that is so....commonplace and taken for granted, unless you don't have it any longer. I didn't realize how much we counted on having it until it was gone. So, now, even though I THINK that I was grateful before, I am doubly grateful now. So...dental visits, eye exams....even doctor's visits have been the order of the hour, day and week. And, we've gone, cheerfully and thankfully. Elizabeth is preparing herself for braces. They are badly needed. She's frightened, but determined at the same time. I have to have 3 crowns at $795 a pop. Insurance pays 90% of that. I'm still paying off 2 root canals w/o insurance...it'll probably take me the rest of my life. *SIGH*
We are still unpacking. It's funny how things aren't so "vital" (like having boxes stacked in your living room) the older you get. At least, for me. But, today seemed like a good day, so we plowed in. We really don't have that much left to unpack IN the house...THEN we get to tackle the garage. Again, it's funny what you take for granted. Like garages. I never really appreciated that fact, either, until we no longer had one. They make SUCH a great storage shed....
Wisconsin is playing Indiana in football today. Wisconsin is ahead, so Kev is sane and calm. Tomorrow will be a different story, probably. The Packers just bite this year. I'll probably go to Barnes & Noble and read, 'cuz I can't handle the stress. I love Barnes & Noble. Any bookstore, really. When I was young, I lived at the library. It's such a cozy, warm and comforting feeling, being among books. A lot of people enjoy reading eBooks, but not me. There's something to be said for holding a book in your hands, feeling the pages, smelling the smells...it's a heady power, in a way. I'm a firm believer in keeping one's brain well-tuned and oiled.
Well, this isn't much of a blog today. There is so much emotion that I WANT to convey, but somehow, I can't get the words to come out. Maybe...it's the little things. Having your cherished belongings and loved ones. Being able to take walks in the cool night air, and smell mouthwatering scents. Having the privelege of exercising your mind by picking up a good book. Maybe these make up the "salad days" of our lives. Perhaps I've always been to busy to see it before. Maybe life isn't so much about accomplishments and succeeding as it is in just enjoying the ride...
So, let these ponderings be my gift to you today. May God fill your day with everyday blessings, opening your eyes to see, your ears to hear, your nose to smell...and may he bless you with a sense of satisfaction in whatever you do.Blessings,
Mom 9/27/2005 Let's Try This AgainOK....let's give it another try. All my classmates can pull it up, so hopefully, you all will be able to, too. Another long day...about 12 hours or so, but I'm excited at the progress I've made... Now, you may be wondering, what's the big deal?? Well, again, this was done completely by programming HTML, WHICH I am learning through my online degree program. There's no live, face-to-face contact, no one to sit and "show" you what you're doing and when you're making mistakes. It's all by trial and error (and email)...So.....THAT'S why I'm bragging. Well, just a little bit.
![]() Have a blessed evening,
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