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6/28/2007 A Lifetime Lived in One Short YearI must apologize to all of my dear friends. Over a year has slipped away, and I have not appeared. Sometimes, living life is so personal that it cannot be shared, or so painful that to speak it will cause one's heart to burst. Such was the place that I found myself in.
Experiences that fill your heart so full, yet selfishly, the need to hold onto them is so very great....and through it all, God has been faithful, even when I haven't always been so faithful to Him. And in that year, I have been brought up from the abyss of despair, have experienced the giddiness of His joy, and known the comfort of His love. Sometimes, my throat closes up with the emotions spilling over....and it is all good, and I am blessed among women, because of the love of my Lord.
Some of the things that I can share are: I completed my Master's (applause!) We moved to the Southern part of Wisconsin, where we are both employed by GE Healthcare Systems now (wonderful company, awesome job) --Having money is Soooooooooooooooooooo NICE
 . Ashley has met a wonderful young man; they've been together for a year now --and, she's living on her own, still in the Appleton area. (See pics.) Michael has finally been properly diagnose, unfortunately, with Paranoid Schizophrenia. But, it explains a lot, and now we have a solid direction to head in, and goals to work towards. Elizabeth is continuing to mature into a beautiful young woman, and has dealt with what "life" has thrown our way with grace and dignity. And, for the first time in a great while, I have hope.Thank you all for your patience with me. I hope to hear from all of you soon, as each and every one of you is special and important to me. With all my heart,
Mom April
1/11/2006 If I Knew Then What I Know Now....I went on blog-about for a little while this evening. As I read my friend Jay's entry (One Day at a Time for those of you who do not know him), I was immediately drawn back to my own youth, and the sights and sounds of...just being. When infinity stretched out before me in perpetual motion and my future could be anything I wanted it to be, and unconsciously, even with all the heartache and dsyfunction of growing up in an alcoholic home, life was...perfect, and I would be young forever, and the home that I would make would be everything that I didn't have growing up....so.....flash forward to today.
Today, I sat in the Riverside Psychiatric Center as Michael underwent psychological assessment testing. I sat there and wondered, and stewed, and...imagined. Finally, as 2 1/2 hours, Michael came out and told me that the inkblot tests were really blood stains that looked like daggers, skulls, knives and the Mothman (!).
This child has cost us thousands of dollars. I have two children, no, young adults...who are incapable of taking care of themselves, and are still costing us a ton of money, money that we don't have. I resent that. A lot. It's frustrating, and something that I don't understand. No initiative, no longing for independence, no willingness to try to begin their own lives. Don't get me wrong, I love my children with every fiber of my being. I'm just ready for some independence, some "me" time, time to become reacquainted with my husband...so much for the perfect family, huh?
But, they are my family, for better or for worse, and I'm in it for the long haul, although I must admit that there are definitely times that my soul longs to run far, far away. So, if I knew then what I know now, would I do things the same way all over again? The question of the ages...I cannot imagine living life any other way.
Oh, by the way. Jay? This song's for you....
 1/5/2006 Where I Have BeenIt's been a while, hasn't it? I apologize to all of you who have been patiently checking my site, and to all of you whom I consider to be my friends who have left messages of hope and well wishes. I didn't mean to disappear. My hiatus kind of got out of hand...
First of all...my son Michael has returned home. As of November 4, 2005, to be precise. And although I love him with every fiber of my being, it is difficult living with him. And, for whatever reason, I've had a much more difficult time coping with him this time around. So....I'm battling many, many things. Emotional fatigue. Physical exhaustion. Mental fogginess, if you will. We finally manged to have him seen by a psychiatrist and a psychologist, and he has begun his assessment testing. Hopefully, I will be able to report the results in a couple of weeks. He will return to high school within 2 weeks, as well. I'm more than anxiety ridden over this, as he is such an addict, and gravitates towards people who are definitely NOT healthy for him to be around.
Secondly, I'm almost done with my Master's program. And, all at once, my time is definitely not my own. It's weird, though, wondering what I'm going to do with all of this "free time" that I will have on my hands within a month or so. Still applying for jobs in my field of choice for my Master's programs, still getting a great deal of rejections. Trying hard to trust God on this one, wondering if this has all been a total waste.
Thirdly, we started Elizabeth's orthodontia treatments (to the tune of $7500. Did I already mention that?) I must say, it's been psychologically draining for both me and Elizabeth. Me, because I take on so many of my children's emotions. (If anyone knows how to NOT do this, please feel free to share!) We've done the spacers on the upper teeth, turned the key for two weeks on the expander, and now have graduated to the head gear. Sigh. I keep telling her how worth it is going to be, but she can't envision the outcome, so this is doubly difficult. Next will be the spacers on the bottom teeth, and bottom braces...oh , did I say that I have to figure out a way to come up with an extra $185 a month??? Sigh.
Finally....is there a finally? I often wonder if the battles will always be the same. Maybe I'm just too dense to learn what God is trying to teach me, as it seems the battles are always the same....AT any rate, I've finally built up the emotional stamina to return "home", if you will, to my MSN spaces. This is the best therapy there is, really. It's just getting up the courage to let it out, isn't it?
I hope that you all had blessed holiday seasons. I pray that all of you have an extremely blessed 2006. And, I am eager to visit with every one of you, my friends!
 10/24/2005 Story Behind the Music Almost 10 years ago, Kevin and I were forced to go through a situation that I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. Someday, if I'm brave enough, maybe I'll share. Let it be known that I've never prayed so hard in my life, or clung so fiercely to God than during that period of our lives. One night, it was late -- like 2 in the morning. I was doing some research regarding our situation. I walked into the den, and Kevin was listening to this Song, by Joshua Kadison -- "Beautiful in My Eyes". He told me that this song represented everything he felt about me, about US. I stumbled across the CD the other day, and thought I'd share... 10/20/2005 What DOES A Couple DO on their Anniversary?Why, go out to eat (at Outback Steakhouse, no less), and meander around the mall until closing time. Smelling candles and watching people. What a GREAT combination!
Hubby brought home a boquet of flowers, Russell Stover chocolates, and the most wonderful card. Aaaawwwwwwwww.
Happy Anniversary, Kevin. I love you, too. The Story of UsOctober 20, 1984. It's pouring BUCKETS, and I mean BUCKETS of rain. It's our wedding day--we married in a tiny chapel within a huge, venerable Methodist Church, downtown Oklahoma City. It's such a bad area, that the janitor is standing watch over the cars with a shotgun.
The chapel holds no more than 20 people. Kevin and I have been living together for the past 10 months. I couldn't take it any longer, and I told him, "This isn't what God wants. We either get married, or break it off, and I leave." So....we married. There wasn't a whole lot of planning. There wasn't a particular reason for the day itself. We had planned for the weekend prior to this, but it was the annual college rivalry between Oklahoma and Texas. No one was available to attend our wedding...the pastor, the best man, the guests....so, we moved it back a week.
We met at AT&T. I was newly employed, Kevin was newly transferred from Illinois. I was engaged (to someone else), he was married (to someone else). I worked in personnel, and kept up the employee files, complete with photos of the employees. A request was made by the local PR office for a photo of Kevin for a welcome article...there weren't any extra in his file. So...I scheduled an appointment for more photos. The photos were multi-photo polaroids that we kept in envelopes, with a photo pasted on the front for quick identification purposes. I took a look at his photo so I'd be able to recognize him, and said, "This is the man I'm going to marry." (I'll remind you, I was engaged, he was already married.) BUT, I KNEW that we were going to be together...He was the most handsome man I'd ever seen. Such a sensitive face, tentative smile. Beautiful brown eyes, facial features...all the girls I worked with in Personnel thought I had lost my mind...
Fast forward six months...I heard through the rumor mill that Kevin's wife, who was from Illinois and transferred (of course) with him, decided that she didn't like it in Oklahoma, and was tired of being married to him. So, he came home after work one morning....and she was gone, along with the majority of their belongings. They were married 10 months. This made me sad. I could see Kevin's face in my mind...I made a mental note to stop and visit him, let him know how sorry I was.
Fast forward two more months...I received a letter in the mail from my intended (he was in Officer's Candidate School in the army). It was Thanksgiving weekend. He told me he no longer loved me, that he was in love with someone else...someone in his unit. He was gay...
Fast forward one more month....right before Christmas, 1983. I was standing at the entrance of my work area. A man was walking toward me...such a handsome man. My heart started beating faster...but I couldn't make out who it was. As he grew closer, I recognized him. It was Kevin. He stopped to visit, and asked me out for a coke. We went out after work, and talked for hours. He left the next morning for his home in Wisconsin. He told me that he wasn't coming back. That he was homesick, and that he hated it in Oklahoma...
Fast forward to January, 1984. I was late for work. So was he. He was back, after all! My heart sang...one evening in the cafeteria, a group of test engineers, who I knew, were sitting at the next table. There was another man, who I couldn't recognize, just....staring at me, smiling. It made me so uncomfortable, I left dinner early. Later, I found out it was Kevin. He said he couldn't take his eyes off of me, trying to be brave enough to come over and ask me out again. He thought I was angry at him, and didn't want to see him ...Two weeks later, we started dating...that is the story of us.
TWENTY ONE YEARS. Many ups and downs. Many trials. One so bad, (and no, it's not Mike), we both swore we were in hell. But, we survived. We always survive. We are soulmates, you see. We are constantly together. It's rare to see us apart. He's my best friend, and I, his. It's not perfect, but, it's comfortable. More importantly, it's blessed...
I'm trying to find pictures. So much of our stuff is still in storage in Oklahoma. I think I have a few, some of our wedding. I will add them if I find them....
 10/15/2005 Friday Night in the Big TownIt's foggy outside, but not really cold. There was a hint of a chill in the air, but did not hamper us on our two mile evening walk. A candle, Pumpkin Spice, is in the candle warmer, and the house smells delicious.
Seinfield is on the TV here with me...Kev is in the bedroom watching "Mercury Rising". Elizabeth is cloistered in her room, with her journal, her music and her birds, Ashley is "chatting" downstairs in the basement. Popples is at my feet, snoring -- and for such a small dog, she snores quite loudly. Bandit is half-on, half-off the couch, zonked out. JC Kitty is in the recliner, lazily watching me with one eye closed. It's a lazy evening.
I have been feeling domestic, lately. It happens every fall. I get busy in the kitchen, and cook up a storm. Apple-pecan bread, pumpkin tarts. Maryland Fried Chicken, mashed potatoes with cream gravy and dinner rolls. Cookbooks are spread out everywhere, and I'm gleaning scrumptious recipes, new and old. Sometimes, subconsciously, I will fix all of Michael's favorite foods. Halfway through, I always realize that he's not here, and I cry. It's funny what is missed. He loves my cooking, and I have to brag on myself. I'm one heck of a cook. Always have been. Forced to learn before I was 8...it's a true passion. My grandmother -- my mother's mom, passed away when I was 2. She was 48. Mom often says that I remind her so much of my granny, her mom. Her name was "Lydia", and she apparently made the best fried chicken in the south. Her pies were to die for, I guess. Maybe her spirit coaches me on in the kitchen. I regret that I never knew her. I would have liked that, cooking with someone, sharing secrets. I guess I resemble her in many ways, including height, coloring and temperament. How can that be, when I've never met her? But, it's a compliment that I hold close to my heart. And, I look forward to a grand reunion....Memories hold me captive tonight. Maybe it's the moon. Is it a harvest moon? Maybe it's the season. Maybe, it's just me. I'm feeling melancholy and bitter-sweet, aching for something unseen. Have you ever felt like that? Probably just longing for home, again.
Well, all, it's late, so I guess I'll head off to bed. May your sleep be sweet, and your dreams be blessed. Oh yes...Thanks to CindyMama for the pic. She did a good job!
 10/1/2005 Another Week...Poof!I can't believe it's Saturday. I can't believe it's the first day of October. It's balmy today. Perfect Indian Summer day. The trees are beginning to turn colors. I love fall. It's my favorite time of year--preparing for renewal in many different ways. The air is getting crisp, and my lungs want to stttttttttttrrrrrrrrrrrrrreeeeeeeeech as if they've never had a breath of air before. I love the colors, the smells associated with fall. The spicy scents, the renewed smells of pine and balsam and evergreen. I love the fact that it's time to prepare for holiday cooking with it's own bounty of smells...cinnamon and spice, pumpking, nutmeg...I love the fact that the holidays are almost here, and that the anticipation begins. I love watching my breath, which is starting to show on our evening walks. I'm missing my children being small during this time of the year, as well. When your children are little, there's a kind of magic in the air that life can't take away.
This week has been filled with appointments of all kinds. It's been over 4 years since we had any type of medical/dental/vision insurance, and now, well, we're making up for lost time. It's funny about things like insurance. Something that is so....commonplace and taken for granted, unless you don't have it any longer. I didn't realize how much we counted on having it until it was gone. So, now, even though I THINK that I was grateful before, I am doubly grateful now. So...dental visits, eye exams....even doctor's visits have been the order of the hour, day and week. And, we've gone, cheerfully and thankfully. Elizabeth is preparing herself for braces. They are badly needed. She's frightened, but determined at the same time. I have to have 3 crowns at $795 a pop. Insurance pays 90% of that. I'm still paying off 2 root canals w/o insurance...it'll probably take me the rest of my life. *SIGH*
We are still unpacking. It's funny how things aren't so "vital" (like having boxes stacked in your living room) the older you get. At least, for me. But, today seemed like a good day, so we plowed in. We really don't have that much left to unpack IN the house...THEN we get to tackle the garage. Again, it's funny what you take for granted. Like garages. I never really appreciated that fact, either, until we no longer had one. They make SUCH a great storage shed....
 Most of the stuff in the garage is for a rummage sale, which I'm trying to get the strength to do. I hate them. But, I have too much good *STUFF* to just give it away. So, Kev i fanching at the bit for me to get BUSY! It's nice to have somewhere to work on that sort of thing. Kev is like a little kid in a candy store, 'cuz NOW he has a place for all of his power tools. He's been drooling every time he sees the new SEARS commercial where Ty cleans out the garage. One thing about it, I never lack for Christmas ideas! Wisconsin is playing Indiana in football today. Wisconsin is ahead, so Kev is sane and calm. Tomorrow will be a different story, probably. The Packers just bite this year. I'll probably go to Barnes & Noble and read, 'cuz I can't handle the stress. I love Barnes & Noble. Any bookstore, really. When I was young, I lived at the library. It's such a cozy, warm and comforting feeling, being among books. A lot of people enjoy reading eBooks, but not me. There's something to be said for holding a book in your hands, feeling the pages, smelling the smells...it's a heady power, in a way. I'm a firm believer in keeping one's brain well-tuned and oiled.
Well, this isn't much of a blog today. There is so much emotion that I WANT to convey, but somehow, I can't get the words to come out. Maybe...it's the little things. Having your cherished belongings and loved ones. Being able to take walks in the cool night air, and smell mouthwatering scents. Having the privelege of exercising your mind by picking up a good book. Maybe these make up the "salad days" of our lives. Perhaps I've always been to busy to see it before. Maybe life isn't so much about accomplishments and succeeding as it is in just enjoying the ride...
 So, let these ponderings be my gift to you today. May God fill your day with everyday blessings, opening your eyes to see, your ears to hear, your nose to smell...and may he bless you with a sense of satisfaction in whatever you do.Blessings,
Mom 9/26/2005 School-borne illnesses and other nonsenseElizabeth brought home a cold. A really nasty one. And, of course, I just had to take it from her. So....it was a rough week, in that respect. With this particular cold came the added element of exhaustion. *Sigh*. So, basically, I laid on the couch and didn't move for a week. I always dread the first month or so of the kids' return to school. I always catch the latest whatever-is-going around illness for some reason. I need to get out more. I think my immune system is becoming spoiled.
My oldest child turned 20 a week ago today. Twenty years old. Perhaps that's part of the reason that I was catatonic on the couch. I'm *cough* too young to have an adult child. That's an oxymoron, isn't it? But, seriously, it's another crossroads that I have found myself at. It's hard for me to treat her like a twenty-year-old. Some of that is because she's emotionally and socially behind. But, on the other hand, what do people in their twenties ACT like? It's difficult for me to "see" Ashley as being twenty. What I "see" is my beautiful little girl, with her ponytail and toy sunglasses, carrying umpteen toys in her little hands. And, oh! how she could play! She loved all things minature, and had her own little menagerie of every type of minature animal that had been marketed. She would begin each sentence with, "Pretend that....", and, off they'd go. I can still see Ashley & Michael, their little heads together in some rainbow-laced world, all of the animals coming to life under her skillful direction. Eventually, Michael would tire of this, and scatter everything hither and yon, declaring that Spiderman, Ninja Turtles, Batman, whatever else superhero-of-the-day had come to rescue them. Probably from extreme boredom on his part...and now, she's 20. A beautiful young woman, who doesn't seem to notice her own beauty. I watch other people look at her when we are out together in a public place. And how they notice! Ashley never sees, though. She's like her father in this respect. And, I am thankful that arrogance has no place in their lives. So, happy birthday, little one...my little robin. May God continue to bless you as you grow into the wonderful life he has planned for you...
 Kevin is sad. His beloved Packers are faring quite poorly. 0 wins, 3 losses. One of those losses was to the worst team in football, the Cleveland Browns. I'm growing to dread Sunday afternoons. I'll probably have to leave the house and call periodically to check in. Winning or losing determines when and if I come home...
 Now, I don't understand football. Never have. To me, grown men who are paid any kind of hundreds of thousands or millions of dollars to carry a ball around, well, that's just WRONG! And, if you get paid that much to carry a ball around, then you'd best be able to do a GOOD JOB of carrying a ball around...or, you shouldn't get paid that kind of money. I think that American's priorities and perspectives are skewed that way. But, that's just my opinion. It's biased, quite frankly. If my son were a world-class athlete, I probably wouldn't feel the same way. Maybe I would. I'm just too practical for my own good, sometimes. At any rate, I don't understand how one can have "fun" watching something like that. It's too stressful for me. It is for Kev, too. He swears under his breath, stomps around, turns the television off and then back on again. Throws his hands up in the air, wags his finger at the players, and yells at the refs for making biased, bad calls. Me, I just wait for the tempest to subside...And, for hubby, I bestow upon you the title of Greatest Fan that ever lived... And, since it's 4 in the morning, and my brain is insisting that it's missing out on REM sleep functions, I shall call it a night...have a very blessed morning!
Always,
The Packerbacker Widow April 9/17/2005 Hello, Again, HelloGood evening, everyone. I imagine you are all wondering where I've been the past several days....I've been fighting with my diabetes (Type 2), and the mild hypertension that goes along with it. Most of the time, I can keep it tightly under control, but I suppose the stress of Michael, moving, class, unpacking, dealing with hurting daughters & looking for a job have sent a ripple of an earthquake through my system. Sigh. So....I've been sidelined for most of this week, which is extremely frustrating, because I have so much that I NEED to do...finish unpacking, hang pictures, devote more serious time to class, be more proactive in my career search, (I am working with a resume-writing firm right now, so I kinda have an excuse there...) such is the life!
And in the midst of all this madness, a moment of normalcy shows its' head here and there. Last night, Kev & I attended the local highschool football game -- The Hortonville Polarbears. And, noooooo, I have no idea why they are the Polarbears. Perhaps, back in the day, it used to snow the way it does in the UP...At any rate, it was a good time. We were amazed at the number of people that were there, over 2,000, I believe. It wasn't until after halftime that we were able to sit in the stands. The local team won, 29-14, with the two touchdowns by the opposing team made in the 4th quarter. But, they were no match for Hortonville. And, in the midst of the game, my thoughts drifted to my son, like always. Thoughts of "how we should be watching HIM out on that field", "WHY can't he be, you know....NORMAL?", etc., etc., ran through my mind.
The fall season is a difficult time for me regarding Mike. He loved the holiday seasons with a vicariousness I've rarely seen; always so excited about every little thing...from raking leaves, to trick or treating...one year, he dressed up as a Green Bay Packers fan -- now mind you, we lived in Oklahoma City at this time, which was Dallas Cowboy country -- and one of our neighbors informed him that he wasn't "scary, just confused"...making caramel apples to carving pumpkins. Chasing him out of the kitchen on Thanksgiving morning; I'd catch him trying to cut up the turkey to find the wishbone before his sisters. And, Christmas! My goodness, how that child loved Christmas! When he was a toddler, he'd hide under all of the spent wrapping paper on the floor, grabbing at ankles as we walked by. He loves to wrap presents; he used to love to give. The milk & cookies, the "hay", grass he pulled from the front yard, were all lovingly put on a plate by the fireplace (along with a little whisk broom for dusting off the soot). He would beg and wheedle and cajole to drive around and look at the decorated houses night after night after night. Out of all 3 of our children, he was the one most steeped in tradition. And then, in the blink of an eye, he was gone, and a stranger took his place.
I still struggle to find glimpses of the child that I knew in the person that is now my son. I long for the return of valued traditions, but more importantly, I long to hear my son's laughter, to capture once again, his zest for life. I ponder whether he ever thinks on these things with longing and regret, and my mother's heart hopes that somewhere, in the darkness, he will see the light for his path, and find his way home. I know that many of you pray for us, and my heart is eternally and thankfully grateful to you all. I ask that you continue to storm God's gates for my son Michael, because I know that the battle isn't over. But, I KNOW that the battle is WON.
So, for the moment, I allow the memories to overtake me. I hear his giggle, and see him smile -- a smile that would light up a room, and make everyone in it come a little closer to him. I look at my pictures, and read my letters, and lock away these things in my heart, praying that there will be more memories in the future. And, even though I sometimes struggle with my faith, I remind myself that I must be content that Michael is in the best place possible, in the hands of my God.
Lovingly,
April 9/10/2005 Article About the Shooting - July 15, 2004I stumbled across this article I'd saved in my Favorites. It took my breath away the first time I read it, over a year ago. It took my breath away for a second time, when I read it the other day. Funny how quickly the memories, and the pain, comes rushing back in....so....for this mom,
9/7/2005 Time Goes By, and Little FoxesIt's another week, another Wednesday. A quiet day, I'm determined to unpack, work on pricing and organizing for my giantuan garage sale (YES! You ALL are welcome!
 )This is the 2nd week of class, Web Design...YEAH!!! You guys will probably all be treated to my assignments & experiements. I grade on the curve... I've looked forward to this class since the beginning of the program. My HTML knowledge is rusty, at best, so...this is going to be such an awesome learning experience for me!
I've been struggling with my emotions over my son. When Kevin & I had driven down to Appleton back in July for Kevi's interview, we left the kids at home. I mean, they are all responsible, right? We'd left the girls at home a jillion times by themselves, never an incident...so, anyways, Mike got drunk and took my lil' baby car (a 2003 Toyota Echo ) out joy riding. He ran into a ditch, and got the car stuck; called Ashley's then-b/f to come pull him out, and...didn't bother to tell us. Now, this incident happened just after we'd had the car repaired because Ashley hit a deer a couple of months before. Well...the undercarriage was all torn up, the brand-new bumper was torn up, etc., etc. (Now, there was also a bunch of other stuff that happened that weekend, things broken, all the food eaten, etc., etc., etc.) YOU CAN'T IMAGINE HOW DEVASTATED I WAS THAT MIKE ABUSED OUR TRUST AGAIN. Everything he touches, he destroys. This was the 2nd time he damaged our car, btw. The other time was during winter. He was again apparently drunk, and jumped on the hood with ice crystals on his feet, scratched up the hood so that it was almost unrecognizable, and rippled the whole roof of the car...but, as with this time, he shows no remorse, because, you see, he didn't MEAN to do it, so therefore, it wasn't intentional, so, he's not REALLY to blame, and therefore, we shouldn't be upset....
OK...flash forward to Friday. I was out tooling around, running errands, and the thermostat light comes on. And stays on. And the fan stays on. So.....after taking the car to the Toyota dealership, we find out about Mike's little joy-riding incident previously mentioned, & how much damage was actually done to the car. So far, over the past year, Mike has cost us over $50,000 in auto repairs, court costs and fees...Plus, Michael's mental state is so "fragile", he tries to kill himself (hanging) if he percieves any hint of frustration on our part, because he associates THAT with ABANDONMENT, with no longer loving him...
And, then, there are the little foxes in our lives...you know, the ones that spoil the vine? Let's see...so, MY car is in the shop. Kev's POC Honda decides to develop a gas leak -- could it happen when gas prices are ANY HIGHER????, plus, the leak is so bad, I'm fumigated as soon as the car is started. OK. So another car in the shop. At the same time. So, rent a car. No problem. It's just money, after all. And then, my front tooth breaks off Friday night. So, I go all through the holiday weekend, looking like Jim Carrey in Dumb & Dumber (only worse --it was much more jagged than that), plus, I have to locate a dentist in a new area, where I don't KNOW anyone....plus, the expense. No problem. It's only MONEY. And....I didn't receive my excess funds from my school loan, which we desparately NEED, and no one seems to know WHY I haven't received them, etc. etc. etc.
OK...I know that my plight isn't as grim or as drastic as those involved with Hurricane Katrina. I'm really grateful, truly I am. I also know that everyone is healthy and well, no one is facing a terminal illness...again, I'm truly grateful. Mom always said that there will always be someone worse off than me, so, why complain??? But, you know, it's such an everyday thing. It wears me down. I can't take a breath without the next little fox charging at me. At us. Christ talked about the foxes destroying the vines . The allegory is that the vines are our lives. EVERYTHING is such a battle for us, things as simple as planning a weekend trip turns into the biggest fight of our lives. EVERYTHING i s such an effort.
So...for today, I'm grinching. I'm wondering what I need to do for all of this to stop. But, life has always been this way, and I'm weary and resigned that , for me, at least, the foxes are forcing us to carry a machete for every "life situation" that arises.
Some of you will pass judgement, call me shallow & selfish. Maybe to an extent, I am. It's easier to justify emotional pain when the tragedy is "BIG". I don't mean to be shallow or selfish. But, I'd like one day to be...what the majority of the population considers NORMAL. Boring would be good for a while.
Forgive my angst. Forgive my weakness at giving in to this despair, no matter how shallow, selfish, or...temporary. And, if you happen to see a string of dead foxes hanging from the power lines, you'll know what I've been doing.... 8/8/2005 Beginning to PrepareWell....we found our new home over the weekend. I'm excited. It's kinda like moving back home to one of our houses in Oklahoma. Brand new, never been lived in (yes, I'm SURE that my family will have no problem doing the initiating!)
 Started collecting boxes and did some re-work packing yesterday. (Did I mention how much I hate this part?) We still have a lot of our stuff boxed up from our original move up here...went through some of that, started making my piles. Get rid of, Moving sale, Keep. You know the drill...
Kev officially gave his two weeks' notice at work today. The boss took it quite well, which is a good thing. Kev was a little apprehensive that there would be some conflict, but there wasn't, so it's all good.
Now....trying to find someone to use as a mover, or to help us move. It's kinda hard when you really don't know anyone...sigh. Plus, did I already say THAT I HATE TO MOVE??????? But, keeping my eyes focused on the promise of a better future is keeping me more motivated. (It feels like we are finally being allowed to leave our wilderness....)
So, squaring our shoulders, setting our chins, and keeping our eyes focused on God, these are the things we do over the next couple of weeks.
Prayers are needed!
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