So, some questions have been answered about his behavior and all of the turmoil over the last 5 or 6 years.  The aha moment, at last.  He hears voices, has invisible friends, sees spiders crawling everywhere.  A little boy named Max, and I heard about his new friend, "Jeff" today.  Although he's spoken of seeing him in the past, this is the first time he's supposedly carried on a conversation with him.  "Jeff" is tall and skinny with black hair that is long and falls in his face, and looks like the guy off of Blues Clues.  "So, what did you and Jeff talk about?" I ask my son...

"About telling you guys that I see him, and that I talked to him..."  Why now?  Why today?  "Because I want to cut myself and I've been thinking a lot about suicide....I think about killing myself all of the time."  We speak of the Russell Crowe movie, A Beautiful Mind.  I remind him of how Russell Crowe's character deals with his illness, his hallucinations, his delusions.  "It doesn't work,"  he says simply.

I'm afraid to leave him alone.  I try to prepare myself for the inevitable, but don't succeed, and if we do leave him here by himself, and I try to call -- if he doesn't answer the phone, I'm filled with unreasonable panic and dread.  I sleep very little, and oftentimes go see if he's still breathing. 

He spent 24 days in the psych ward.  They had him so doped up, he was a blithering idiot. He was so over medicated that another patient gave him 50mg of Methodone, and he took it because he thought she was a nurse.  He ended up in a full blown overdose, and went into cardiac arrest, and had to be resucitated.  Another phone call, another mad trip to the emergency room....another day in my life. I called the doctor and raised, well, you know.  So, they changed his medicine again, and for all intents and purposes it seemed to be working.  His voice took on some emotion, he even laughs now and then. 

Until today.  Today is the revelation that "it's not working."  Today is the revelation that, "I have no reason to live.  I don't want to live like....THIS for the remainder of my life, 'cuz THIS isn't living at all."  And so it goes....because now, I as a mother think of things most mothers never dream of.  "If he dies, where will we bury him?  We've moved so much.  Who would perform the funeral service?  Would anyone come, because we've moved so much, we have very few friends.  What would we do?  What WILL we do?" 

So, I do what I always do.  I cry, I pray....I set my shoulders and try to be brave.  Again.  Welcome to my world.

• A psychiatric evaluation has been ordered for Mike
• (It's about time?)  We requested, no..BEGGED for this to be done a year ago.  NOW, it has been determined that there is a definite NEED in Mike's life for assessment and treatment?!  What part of that didn't the courts understand the FIRST time around???
• The ADA may accept ajudication in district court on the other charges (MIP, possession and assualt (by telephone) and allow for additional time in the county jail on these charges, reinstating his  probation (he's out of "time" that can be served in jail, now it would revert to a prison term).  I guess a lot of these decisions will be based on the outcome of Mike's evaluation.  It has been determined that Mike cannot, for whatever reason, accept responsibility for his actions; thus, he doesn't seem to have a "conscious".  He is always the victim.  These are all symptoms of mental illness/personality disorders. 
• Bond is being disputed by the ADA for obvious reasons.  So, for the time being, we must content ourselves that he is safe where he is at, AND that this time will count towards any additional time received.  And, to be quite honest, we really don't have $3800 lying around to post for his bond.  The DA's office is thankful that we aren't fighting this issue.  Perhaps it will be helpful to Mike in some way, if they see that we are reasonable people. 

The ADA's name is Traci Whittla.  The judge's name is Joel Massey.  You might be praying for them, if you think of it...

Other mentionables...I'm on academic probation for having a C right now in my GPA.  The last two classes were hard for me to tackle, due to Mike, moving, and other personal issues.  Personal crisises and classwork do not mix.  So...I've GOT to make an A in this class, in order to get my GPA back up to a B, otherwise, I lose my finacial aid, and I really can't afford that right now.

Elizabeth is so miserable.  I ran errands this evening, and came home to her tears again.  She's doubtful that she'll ever make friends again in her life, and she wasn't exactly received with welcoming arms today.  It was different in the UP, because no one wants to live there, so it's really exciting when someone new moves in, and the welcoming committee is much stronger.  I hurt for her, but I let her know that she's GOT to move on. We discussed faith, and positive imaginary and belief, but right now, she doesn't have much faith to hang on to, she believes.  So...she'd appreciate any prayers as well.  How does one provide an answer to, "Why does everything have to be so...hard?"  She's lived through so much in her short life.  Two tornadoes and the subsequent damage (including the F6'r in 99 -- it hit our Aunt's home), 6 moves in 13 years (for her)  loss of everything stable, that she holds dear, including her brother...she asked me how I can continue to believe God when it doesn't seem that his presence is evident in our life.  "Doesn't he love us anymore?  Doesn't he CARE??!" And, of course, the one standard question --"if God really loves people, why the hurricane.  How could he let all of those people get hurt and die? Why isn't he stopping them from hurting each other?  Isn't he listening to their prayers, either?"   Hard questions from one so young.  So, we read from the book of Matthew, but I'm not sure that she's really convinced...and these things, these thoughts are the ones I want to shield her from the most.  Want to make them go away.  Make everything alright with the world, like I've always been able to do...

So, this mom's heart is heavy tonight.  For so many things.  I understand the trauma of the fury of nature.  Regardless of who or what, one still tends to feel violated.  And, hopeless.  I feel for those who do not know the love and grace of God.  For many, he's the enemy right now...and they will not understand that he holds them in the palm of his hand...

Thanks for hanging in there with me, even though my tone has not been light-hearted much lately.  Thanks for encouraging me, and for checking in on me.  I'm grateful far more than any of you will ever realize.

Have a Blessed Evening,

Always,

April

Dear Lord,

 

As you know, I'm in trouble; I'm in a tight spot.  I'd like to give you thanks for being my God, for giving me love and taking control of my life.  I'd like to ask that you give me strength, for I am away from my parents, my family.  Plese, Lord, give my parents a comforting hand if they are ever feeling down or alone.  I'd also like to ask that you please show me and my parents some mercy, even though you have showed me a great deal already.  Lord, I am sorry for my sins, and I'm sorry that I have a hard time learning to stand against temptation.  All I can say is I'm trying harder than before.  Once again, Lord, I'd like to ask that you reach out to me and take my hand as I beg for your mercy, and that you take my cries for the safety of my parents into consideration.  I love you, in Jesus name...Amen.  Love, Michael

     Am I praying wrong?...Please help me relieve me of my guilt.  The only way I can get rid of it is if you promise me you guys will be OK until I am released, and that you'll move on without me until I am home again.  I know it will be hard, but we are all adults now; I'm not a kid anymore, but that doesn't mean I'm still not your little Mikey with curly hair and little blue keds, though....

Well, everything fell apart for Lucent in 2000.  They sold the majority of their manufacturing facilities to Celestica (a Canadian firm), who promptly closed every location down, and "relocated" to Canada, Mexico or China/Taiwan. We knew that I would be laid off, but had no idea that Kevin was going to be let go, as well.  (I reiterate the 10 months shy of 25 years.  He was too young for a 5 & 5 package, so therefore, no pension, no retirement benefits, nada.  zip.  nothing.)  So....our bountiful life, as we knew it, ceased to exist.  Literally.  We lost everything.  All of our Lucent stock, college funds (we had to pull the money out to live on)...our beautiful home...(I think that this is the time that Mike started falling apart, as well).  We did all the right things.  We planned, we saved, but it didn't save us.  It's funny how you can blink your eyes, and the world is a different place

• benefits are more numerous, and better, I'm sure. 
• It's closer to his family than we are now (not sure that's always a good thing).
• his current job is a complete disaster, with no growth potential...
• it would be better for Mike?
• School districts are a lot better.
• more opportunity for moi to find employment?
• returning to civilization

What are the drawbacks, you ask?  Well, we're struggling, more than struggling right now (financially).  Even though the raise is considerable, by the time the cost of housing is adjusted ($500 or more higher per month), pay for benefits (company foots benefits now, but the plan sucks)...the increase in pay has just flown out the window, leaving us right where we are NOW, with the same bills, same struggles, etc? 

My question to all my faithful friends and readers is this...is this a wise move?  A well-thought out decision?  It's not the move that bothers me.  (Well, sort of.  We've moved 13 times in our married lives.  Owned 5 houses).  And, yes, I must say it...I'm getting OLDER!  The dilemma, for me, is making sure that we are doing the right thing, because for so long, even though we've prayed and planned and prayed and discussed and prayed, (Did I say prayed?) afterwards, things always fall apart, and I always wondering...if this was God's will, wouldn't it have worked out just a little bit better and easier than THIS??????????? 

And, yes, I know that sometimes, you just do what you gotta do, and hope and pray for the best, and keep moving forward...ok.  So maybe I'm a little afraid.  I don't like not knowing what's around the next bend.  And I know that being afraid doesn't justify going or not going.  I just don't like being wrong...

Any comments or advice (and yes, I know that no one can make this decision but US, but surely there is wise insight that we can use....) would be oh-so-greatly appreciated! 

Ok, it's like this.....

 

Then, there's my son, Michael.  He's in the county jail for shooting another kid in the face.  He's been incarcerated, in one form or another, for almost 10 months now.  The days drag by, and I dread going to the county jail to see him (twice a week)...and I dread the day that he comes home.  He suffers from several mental illnesses, and it looks as though schizophrenia might be one of the conditions.  And, I wonder what happened?  When did this all start?  He was such a sweet, fun-loving child.  Is it our fault?  People tell me that he made his own choices, but most of the time, I wonder how truly aware he was (and is) of the choices he made and makes.  A mother's heart is not supposed to bear such sadness and ugliness.  Her children are supposed to live such happy, golden lives....Did we do everything, everything possible to protect Mike?  And, how do we "move on" with our lives once he is free?  The sad part is, we've all been so altered by this, and none of us will ever truly be free from the consequences of Mike's actions again...

And, finally, Elizabeth.  Sweet, brilliant, boy-crazed 13-year-old Elizabeth.  My sunshine child.  Sunny, bright, joyful...now, a teenager who goes into her room and closes her door.  Spends more time on the phone & writing in her diary than I ever thought possible.  She used to love Jesus so much, now, she never talks about her Christianity; I feel as though I've failed again.  Why, oh why am I having such a difficult time letting go of her?  She is the most like me in temperament and personality.  I dread the battles that lay ahead...and I long for the innocence that once was my little girl. 

I just finished watching "Judging Amy".  (I'm home all day; I can do that now...for those of you who are EXTREMELY jealous --yeah, right!)  Anways, the thing I always find myself wondering is why I'm so wistful after watching this show?  What is it about it that puts that lump in my throat and tears in my eyes episode after episode?  Why the intense LONGING?

And, I think that I've finally figured it all out...warm, honest, brutally raw emotions within a family.  Anger, hurt, love, respect.  But they are there, and they are exposed.  There is no pretense, no....hypocrisy, it's just all REAL.  And, I want that so badly.  Sometimes, I feel like I've been deprived of this, because things are definitely not always as they seem with my own extended family.  And...I wonder...am I capable of orchestrating, implementing, instilling this kind of environment into my immediate family now?  Overcome the disabling emotions that cause distance and pretense?  I hope I can.  I think that any family deserves at least a chance at being...entangled, without being enmeshed.

Because, after all...besides GOD, isn't family what really, truly matters?  I think that it's worth a second thought, a second glance.  Maybe, just maybe, my own kids will be able to be totally successful at embracing feelings and emotions for all they are worth; the transition will then be complete...

I hope...