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The Mom's PlaceVignettes & snippets of not-so-wise observations 9/7/2007 The Death of a BelovedIt's been a VERY bad day. We had a death in our family today -- an unforeseen accident took the life of one of Elizabeth's Cockatiels, Pepper.
She came to us a year ago, given to us by a woman who didn't have time for her anymore. A hateful, loner bird who attacked everyone that came too close, except for Elizabeth. She loved her dearly, and Elizabeth could do just about anything to her. She was recently moved back up to Elizabeth's bedroom --she had been in the basement with the other birds that I was raising and breeders (which I got rid of yesterday, donated to a sanctuary, because I am no longer capable of taking care of all of them). So, happy as a lark, she was wandering around on the floor; Elizabeth didn't see her, and stepped on her, causing brain damage and internal bleeding, possibly a broken neck. She died about 5 minutes later.
And, Elizabeth is suffering a broken heart. And, I am helpless to make this all better....she was dearly loved by my youngest. And, as she cries, so do I. So, tomorrow, we will have a funeral. She wants to see if Pepper can be cremated, so that she can keep the ashes near her. I told her that we'd find a picture and have it framed. We told her that we'd get another bird, but Pepper was one of a kind....and therefore, irreplaceable. I told her that God loved us so much, that even though animals don't have souls, our pets have a special place in Heaven, where they wait for us patiently and lovingly to join them. I hope that I'm right. So, say a little prayer for my baby girl tonight, that God will bring her comfort, and love, and peace; that she not be overcome with guilt, accepting that it was an accident, and not "murder", as she sees it now...
I am so sorry, Little Bit. Would it that I could take your pain away, take it upon myself.... 8/7/2007 It's Always on His MindSigh. And Sigh again. Thinking about my son does that to me. Thinking back brings up waves of turmoil, and frustration and sadness and anger and....
April 3, 2007. 5:30 am. Phone call. "Mike is at the emergency room!"
Me: "What happened? Is he ok?" " He slit his wrist. He's lost a lot of blood." (He is 2 hours north of where we live).
"OK....We'll be there as soon as possible...." Mike slit his wrist all the way across his arm, and down to the bone. He has a horrible, ugly scar, complete with stitch marks now as a trophy. After he was dismissed from a 72 hour hold, he was scheduled to see a psychiatrist. On the first visit, he was diagnosed with Paranoid Scizophrenia.
So, some questions have been answered about his behavior and all of the turmoil over the last 5 or 6 years. The aha moment, at last. He hears voices, has invisible friends, sees spiders crawling everywhere. A little boy named Max, and I heard about his new friend, "Jeff" today. Although he's spoken of seeing him in the past, this is the first time he's supposedly carried on a conversation with him. "Jeff" is tall and skinny with black hair that is long and falls in his face, and looks like the guy off of Blues Clues. "So, what did you and Jeff talk about?" I ask my son... "About telling you guys that I see him, and that I talked to him..." Why now? Why today? "Because I want to cut myself and I've been thinking a lot about suicide....I think about killing myself all of the time." We speak of the Russell Crowe movie, A Beautiful Mind. I remind him of how Russell Crowe's character deals with his illness, his hallucinations, his delusions. "It doesn't work," he says simply. I'm afraid to leave him alone. I try to prepare myself for the inevitable, but don't succeed, and if we do leave him here by himself, and I try to call -- if he doesn't answer the phone, I'm filled with unreasonable panic and dread. I sleep very little, and oftentimes go see if he's still breathing. He spent 24 days in the psych ward. They had him so doped up, he was a blithering idiot. He was so over medicated that another patient gave him 50mg of Methodone, and he took it because he thought she was a nurse. He ended up in a full blown overdose, and went into cardiac arrest, and had to be resucitated. Another phone call, another mad trip to the emergency room....another day in my life. I called the doctor and raised, well, you know. So, they changed his medicine again, and for all intents and purposes it seemed to be working. His voice took on some emotion, he even laughs now and then. Until today. Today is the revelation that "it's not working." Today is the revelation that, "I have no reason to live. I don't want to live like....THIS for the remainder of my life, 'cuz THIS isn't living at all." And so it goes....because now, I as a mother think of things most mothers never dream of. "If he dies, where will we bury him? We've moved so much. Who would perform the funeral service? Would anyone come, because we've moved so much, we have very few friends. What would we do? What WILL we do?" So, I do what I always do. I cry, I pray....I set my shoulders and try to be brave. Again. Welcome to my world. 3/7/2007 Happy Birthday,AmericaHow much do you love your country? How much do you love being an American? How many of you even stop and think about it? I do. A lot. I look at our flag, and I get goose bumps. So much history, passion, resolve and love went into the founding, the fighting, and the decisions that formed this country, and ultimately, who we are. I am an AMERICAN!!! And, I am in awe that God would allow me to live in this time, in this place...now. Who am I to deserve so much? Who am I to live here, instead of somewhere else in the world? I have 4 brother-in-laws that fought and served in the Vietnam War. My younger brother served in The Gulf War, Operation Desert Storm. My uncle served in Korea,as did a very dear friend. I am proud to know them, to be a part of their lives, and especially, for what they did, for what they've gone through, and for who they are because of serving their country. I am apalled that anyone would critize the current war, or our soldiers; to do so is to offend those who keep us safe. I believe in this country. To all of those who are critical of its' government and its' citizens...go live somewhere else if you're unhappy here. More than likely, it won't be long 'til you're homesick. So....it is with great pride and honor that I say, "Happy Birthday, America!" God Bless the USA. 28/6/2007 A Lifetime Lived in One Short YearI must apologize to all of my dear friends. Over a year has slipped away, and I have not appeared. Sometimes, living life is so personal that it cannot be shared, or so painful that to speak it will cause one's heart to burst. Such was the place that I found myself in.
Experiences that fill your heart so full, yet selfishly, the need to hold onto them is so very great....and through it all, God has been faithful, even when I haven't always been so faithful to Him. And in that year, I have been brought up from the abyss of despair, have experienced the giddiness of His joy, and known the comfort of His love. Sometimes, my throat closes up with the emotions spilling over....and it is all good, and I am blessed among women, because of the love of my Lord.
Some of the things that I can share are: I completed my Master's (applause!) We moved to the Southern part of Wisconsin, where we are both employed by GE Healthcare Systems now (wonderful company, awesome job) --Having money is Soooooooooooooooooooo NICE
 . Ashley has met a wonderful young man; they've been together for a year now --and, she's living on her own, still in the Appleton area. (See pics.) Michael has finally been properly diagnose, unfortunately, with Paranoid Schizophrenia. But, it explains a lot, and now we have a solid direction to head in, and goals to work towards. Elizabeth is continuing to mature into a beautiful young woman, and has dealt with what "life" has thrown our way with grace and dignity. And, for the first time in a great while, I have hope.Thank you all for your patience with me. I hope to hear from all of you soon, as each and every one of you is special and important to me. With all my heart,
Mom April
11/1/2006 If I Knew Then What I Know Now....I went on blog-about for a little while this evening. As I read my friend Jay's entry (One Day at a Time for those of you who do not know him), I was immediately drawn back to my own youth, and the sights and sounds of...just being. When infinity stretched out before me in perpetual motion and my future could be anything I wanted it to be, and unconsciously, even with all the heartache and dsyfunction of growing up in an alcoholic home, life was...perfect, and I would be young forever, and the home that I would make would be everything that I didn't have growing up....so.....flash forward to today.
Today, I sat in the Riverside Psychiatric Center as Michael underwent psychological assessment testing. I sat there and wondered, and stewed, and...imagined. Finally, as 2 1/2 hours, Michael came out and told me that the inkblot tests were really blood stains that looked like daggers, skulls, knives and the Mothman (!).
This child has cost us thousands of dollars. I have two children, no, young adults...who are incapable of taking care of themselves, and are still costing us a ton of money, money that we don't have. I resent that. A lot. It's frustrating, and something that I don't understand. No initiative, no longing for independence, no willingness to try to begin their own lives. Don't get me wrong, I love my children with every fiber of my being. I'm just ready for some independence, some "me" time, time to become reacquainted with my husband...so much for the perfect family, huh?
But, they are my family, for better or for worse, and I'm in it for the long haul, although I must admit that there are definitely times that my soul longs to run far, far away. So, if I knew then what I know now, would I do things the same way all over again? The question of the ages...I cannot imagine living life any other way.
Oh, by the way. Jay? This song's for you....
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